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Lucain Design & Character feedback

Postby Sarah » 04/24/2016 11:13 PM

So I'd really appreciate it if people could give their thoughts on these two. I've been browsing the teen novel section at Hastings and all the books are about forbidden love and all that and IDK I got some really interesting inspiration from it...

I'd love any ideas you may have or constructive criticisms. These surely aren't their set is stone designs or character bios. Yes a lot of it (all of it) is super cheesy lol. Further information on their world can be provided if that is something people are interested in knowing.

After all of that rambling I suppose I'd really like feedback on their designs (Do they look royal, do they match the character). Some name help as well because I have no idea what name would fit that boy. As well as anything else someone might like to add.

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Heir to the throne of light, Molithea is sent away as a child. Her red eyes (Changed after birth because parents don't have red eyes) Are an ill omen. Her starry pelt marks her as royalty and so she is mistreated wherever she has gone. Molithea was raised by a lone female wolf who did her best to be a 'proper' mother; however, when Molithea reached 18 the she-wolf kicks her out onto the streets.

Molithea knows she is of royal descent, no one will let her forget, yet she cannot return to the royal castle. She wanders the streets as a beggar, almost losing her life to malnutrition and sickness. The only thing that keeps her alive is that she is able to transform from her beast form into a human one, although her red eyes are unnatural and the stars of her pelt replace themselves in her eyes.

The royal prince from the darkness arrives one day. Molithea doesn't know why he has shown his face in enemy territory but she plans on taking advantage of it. She figures that by killing the prince to her families enemy then she will be accepted back into royalty.

Concerns:
Her form is too dull. I like the red around the eyes and I want her to have the Psi eye. I'm afraid that her motives for killing him are not what they should be.

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Heir to the throne of darkness,(Possible names: Ithel (Generous prince) Cyne (Royalty) Sanjaya (Triumphant, Completely victorious) Krishna (Darkness, child of gods that commits patricide) ) has become the banner boy for the darkone's war against the light. He is the first to greet the soldiers before battle, and the one who 'fights' with them on the front lines. He is also the first to parade around the streets of every newly acquired settlement, village or city does not matter.

He is a smooth talker, and one of the most beautiful and sought after men in all his kingdom. It is his kingdom, though his father may rule, no person has been able to defy him. [insert name] knows his power and knows he will rule all the land in due time. All he needs to do is find the red eye'd girl made of stars and the world will be his.

[insert name] is not particularly malicious, but his position as both royalty and immortal headpiece in the army has caused him to lose a sense of reality. He treats subjects kindly, but wouldn't bat an eye in using them for his own gain. He often appears cold and distant when he is not parading around advertising his family.

On one fateful occasion, one of the rare times his mask is put away, he spots the red eyed girl that haunts the prophecies and also his dreams.

Concerns:
His form is too dark. His lack of name. That his character doesn't make sense/isn't exactly what I'm going for.









You want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know?
Know that it doesn't hurt me.
You want to hear about the deal I'm making?


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Re: Lucain Design & Character feedback

Postby Moofius » 04/25/2016 6:42 PM

So I'm confused about Molithea, specifically her background. Is she the heir to the throne, or did she lose that title because of her red eyes? Because if she was the heir, I don't see how she would have gotten kicked out and become a beggar. If she was bad news, but the future queen, she would be taken care of wouldn't she? If she's not the heir (losing the title because of her eyes) then that needs to be clarified that she has no claim.

Also this adoptive mom seems... Not so great. Did she really do her best? If she kicked her out it seems unlikely, especially if kicking her out lead to her living on the streets. There was no plan for her adulthood?

Transformation: Huh? Are the people of this world wolves? Or are they human? Do all/some/most transform? Why or why not? What does the human form actually help (since she's apparently a red eyed, shiny thing anyway she still stands out).

What is her actual personality? Cause I mean murder is pretty extreme form of action versus others. Like murder is a violent way of doing things, why did she jump to that conclusion? Wouldn't marriage create a potential peace between the realms? What made her jump to the most violent option? Why does she WANT to be accepted by the royals? Some desire to return to family? To be all powerful? To change the world to be more accepting of "ill omens"? What's her actual goal and why does that equate to murder, not marriage, or trying to make a strong tie to the dark kingdom instead of being enemies.

As for design, I think the colours are all of same/similar value and the gradient on her base isn't doing her any favours (personally). If nothing else I would reverse the direct of her blue to purple gradient. The dark blue will stand out better against the brown than the purple does. The purple on brown gives her a grey look.

??? well he doesn't have a lot on him. He feels flat, and I don't know what you're going for so I don't know how to help you with him.
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Re: Lucain Design & Character feedback

Postby Sarah » 04/27/2016 11:47 PM

Okay, so I've had some time to really think about my plans with this story. A lot of the things that I wrote in that first post have been completely changed. Having other perspectives helps me analyze my writing a lot better and helps me to make sense of my ideas.

Feed back is still desperately welcome on pet designs and plot/character bios.

Molithea
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So I made two versions. The first I feel is very innocent and childlike, and the second more mature. Neither one is exactly what I think I want.

Short descriptors: Hard-Working, Skittish (aversion to power), Learns quickly, Compassionate.

"Born under a new moon during the harvest months. The only thing more striking than her fair skin were her red eyes that held the stars captive.

Molithea is the first born of the kind and his first wife. This first wife was chosen and blessed by the crones of blackwater, a crater lake located in the mountains. When Molithea is born her father recognizes her as the demon that is going to destroy the kingdom. He sends his first wife back to the crones and has them all burnt at the stake for conspiring against him.

The king takes Molithea to an orphanage across the border. Because of the Moon Kingdom's war there have been a lot of children without parents. The king knows that putting his daughter in the Moon Kingdom's realm would be just as likely to fulfill the prophecy as keeping her in the castle, so he takes her to a town over the border to a kingdom that is disdainful of the warring Sun and Moon Kingdoms.

Molithea grows up in the orphanage where she is over worked and sometimes beaten. She has no particular love for any kingdom, but she does know she needs to get out of the orphanage as soon as possible. The cramped place makes her anxious and restless, and the workers are not very nice to any of the children.

In secret Molithea learns that she can turn into an animal. Her first time transforming scares her so badly that the beast's spirit takes over her own. She comes to her senses a year later to find that the place she was living in has been captured by the Moon Kingdom."

Unnamed Boy
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So I remade him as well, because that first form was not at all what I wanted. I like this form a lot more, but I still don't know if it is what I want or not.

(Possible names: Ithel (Generous prince) Cyne (Royalty) Sanjaya (Triumphant, Completely victorious) Krishna (Darkness, child of gods that commits patricide) )

I haven't been able to sit down and really look over his character and make changes.
"He is leading the war & has gained a lot of face for his kingdom. He is a smooth talker and gets along well with everyone even if he doesn't particularly like them. When he is not parading through towns or fighting he prefers to be left alone to sit in quiet.

He is having troubling thoughts of indiscriminately spilling blood and abusing his power. When he is alone he works to quell those thoughts because they aren't what he wasn't at all, but he doesn't know how to get rid of them or even where they came from.

Above everything else he is haunted by a prophecy that has been handed down on both sides for generations. The words are so intertwined with his life that when the scary daydreams of bloodshed come he sees her, red eyed and beautiful. sometimes she is weak and her blood pools in the streets, but sometimes she is strong so terribly strong that he feels like he is drowning in the blood she spills."

On transformation: Molithea is a werewolf because the crones did actually conspire against the crown & they messed with the queen's pregnancy. Most everyone in the moon kingdom is a werewolf due to royal bloodlines being tainted generations ago. Otherwise the majority of citizens in both kingdoms are human and mortal.









You want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know?
Know that it doesn't hurt me.
You want to hear about the deal I'm making?


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