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Looking for feedback on my RP post! :3

Postby RiDragon » 01/27/2017 4:44 PM

Heya!  I'm Ri, and I haven't written in..... Forever.  So..  I really just wanna know if I'm finally shaking the rust off of myself.  Even though I made my account in 2014 I kinda abandoned it, so I'm still basically a newbie.  here's My most recent thread that I've been working on.  I really would love to know how it reads.  I also have some writings in my Zoo Pen, but those are pretty old, besides the one I made for Null the Bleeder.




I see the stars,

Drifting aimless

I feel their heat

warming, selfless

I will give, I will take

I will feel the stars crash, crash down

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Re: Looking for feedback on my RP post! :3

Postby Jaden Wolf » 01/28/2017 2:39 PM

I've never critiqued anyone's rp's before, haha?
Um, well. Everyone has pretty unique writing styles and preferences - I don't see any problem with yours. I only read the first couple posts, they seem fine.
Your post count is pretty much just for your sake, so you only really need the character name and post count if you want to put it in at all. Not that you have to change it at all, I just thought it might be less work for you and save space?

(I'm impressed at how much you wrote I haven't done that much writing in forever.)

. : ~| + | ~ : .
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May all your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white
. : ~| + | ~ : .

. : ~ Pen ~ : . . : ~ Trades ~ : . . : ~ RP With Me ~ : . . : ~ Breeders ~ : .. : ~ Docs ~ : .
~Evelonian since: August 2007~

Song: White Christmas by Bing Crosby | Pet: Snowflake Wolf
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Re: Looking for feedback on my RP post! :3

Postby RiDragon » 01/28/2017 2:42 PM

jaden_wolf wrote:I've never critiqued anyone's rp's before, haha?
Um, well. Everyone has pretty unique writing styles and preferences - I don't see any problem with yours. I only read the first couple posts, they seem fine.
Your post count is pretty much just for your sake, so you only really need the character name and post count if you want to put it in at all. Not that you have to change it at all, I just thought it might be less work for you and save space?

(I'm impressed at how much you wrote I haven't done that much writing in forever.)


Thank you very much!!  I put the post count in as a reference to myself so that I know how many posts each character has just in case I decide to put the effort into recording their stats.  It's really just for myself.

Thank you again!  I've been really putting effort into writing more, I really do enjoy it, I've just been lacking motivation lately.  Earning stuff by posting really helps kick me to keep writing!




I see the stars,

Drifting aimless

I feel their heat

warming, selfless

I will give, I will take

I will feel the stars crash, crash down

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Re: Looking for feedback on my RP post! :3

Postby Omnisearch » 01/28/2017 3:33 PM

I read the first couple posts and here's what stood out to me. :> Also, just a disclaimer: I always aim to critique to help, and never to criticize! Everyone has a style and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm always afraid people will take things badly when I critique, but I just wanna say it's to help!

First, just tiny grammar and punctuation shenanigans. I noticed that you don't differentiate between using a period and a comma at the end of dialogue. Specifically, all your dialogue seems to be ending with a period. That's necessarily wrong, however: depending on the action that follows the dialogue, it should end in a comma. For example:

"Hello there, buddy," he said.


When the sentence that follows your dialogue is an action in connection to the dialogue, it should end in a comma. Verbs like say, scream, snap, grumble, whisper — verbs that usually result in sounds — are a good indicator of having a comma before them.

If the subsequent sentence is a new action, it should end in a period. For example:

"I can't believe you." How could his friend say such a thing?


Usually if you're thinking of going straight to another sentence, the dialogue should end in a period. If your subsequent sentence is an action describing the dialogue, it should end in a comma. Does that make sense?

Second: a teeny little thing, but I would just suggest to double space between paragraphs. :> I see you put a space, and honestly in terms of novels, we indent rather than go double-spaced. However, since I don't think Evelon reads tabs (at least it doesn't for me...?? IDK about others though honestly), 99.9% of writers here use double space. :> It's clearer for reading, but it's not mandatory. Just a tip!

Third: splitting paragraphs between characters. Honestly this is a little... hm, flexible? I guess depending on how it flows for you. But: generally, it's clearer to split your paragraphs between characters instead of merging them together. For example:

"Hey!" he greeted. "How's it going?"

"Oh hey there!" she replied, smiling. "Not too bad. You?"


^ This is clearer than this:

"Hey!" he greeted. "How's it going?" She smiled. "Oh hey there!" she replied. "Not too bad. You?"


I feel like it's useful especially because it could get confusing between different characters; such as having two males or two females, where there's no clear way to really know who's actually talking. Does that make sense?

Fourth: semi-colons and colons. I'm actually not 100% familiar with those rules; as in, I kind of just... instinctually decide what to put lmao. But, that said, sometimes a comma doesn't quite work in a sentence. What you might be looking for is a semi-colon or a colon. For example:

He got up from the ground. This was a strange place; the atmosphere was unsettling.


This wasn't just about him: it was about his friends and his family.


You can always go read up on punctuation rules too! But I believe semi-colon is when you have two sentences that are connected to one same topic/idea. A colon is very often used in a situation where you have a list or an affirmation, I guess?

Mostly just English things, nothing like... about your style or characters. :> Just to help the flow a bit! And again I feel like I was actually a little confusing in explaining these, RIP. But feel free to look up writing rules and punctuation! Honestly some of these are flexible, and honestly, it's not like you can always write 110% perfectly. We forget words and we mistype things now and again lol. But yeah! And as they say, reading other people's things can also help you see new things! And of course, practice makes perfect. :> Good luck friend!




Dear Diary,
Today I died. I was killed by
this thing (ugly) in some place.
I leave all that I own to my cat Guppy (cool stuff!).
Goodbye cruel world,
xoxo



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Re: Looking for feedback on my RP post! :3

Postby RiDragon » 01/28/2017 11:24 PM

Thank you so much!  I am definitely saving your posts to my references.  This is super helpful!!




I see the stars,

Drifting aimless

I feel their heat

warming, selfless

I will give, I will take

I will feel the stars crash, crash down

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RiDragon
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