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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 11/12/2017 4:11 AM

Young-soo's world was suddenly moving again, his hand hot in Chan-ho's as they climbed stairs to their room. The hotel was quiet enough--thick walls, perhaps, Young-soo thought in the back of his mind--which made his breathing far too loud. Louder still, even, when the door to their room clicked shut behind him. It wasn't room sixty. His brain held onto that realization and realized Chan-ho had paid for something somewhat expensive just to get them into a room alone together and oh, oh he was stripping. Already. Young-soo felt the muscles in his throat tighten, his body stiffening slightly to attention as his fingertips brushed the door behind him.

After a moment, he stepped closer, eyes trailing down the skin exposing little by little, and then all at once. It wasn't as though he'd never seen Chan-ho shirtless, or even naked. They'd showered together many times. Somehow or another, this was different, and so different in fact that Young-soo wasn't sure where to look. In the end he settled on meeting the other's eyes, his own filled with a growing urgency and eagerness. "I-I can do it myself," he started to say, hands traveling up to the hem of his shirt, then thought better of it and beckoned Chan-ho closer. "B-but... c'mere," he mumbled.

'Intimidated' was not the right word for the situation. But the low tones in Chan-ho's voice made Young-soo shiver, made something delicious and terrible run up and down his spine. Like he'd done this before. Like he'd practiced. Young-soo felt a jealousy flit to the tips of his fingers, knowing he'd be able to run them over Chan-ho's body soon, soon, not too fast, not too eager or Chan-ho would laugh at him, would tease him, would deny him. But they were here, and the money had been paid, and Young-soo hated how he held onto that like insurance and not any sort of trust for the boy in front of him. "Take them off of me, then," he suddenly added, his voice a bit harder and more commanding than he meant for it to be. Adding on a 'please,' however, just seemed excessive.
You're a door-without-a-key,
A field-without-a-fence.
You made a holy fool of me,
And I've thanked you ever since.
If she comes circling back,
We'll end where we'd begun,
Like two pennies on the train track
The train crushed into one,
Or if I'm a crown without a king,
If I'm a broken open seed,
If I come without a thing,
Then I come with all I need.
No boat out in the blue,
No place to rest your head
The trap I set for you seems to have
Caught my leg instead.

I do not exist. I do not exist. I do not exist.


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 11/12/2017 4:39 AM

Chan-ho only needed that much invitation to step into Young-soo's space again, sliding his hands up beneath Young-soo's jacket. But then an idea struck him, and his grip shifted, pulling Young-soo back toward the bed by his collar. Chan-ho pushed him down, not roughly but still firm, until Young-soo was sitting on the edge of the bed.

He knew this wasn't what Young-soo was expecting, but there was just something about seeing Young-soo hesitate, when he was normally so sure of himself, that made Chan-ho want to tease him more. The look Young-soo had given him after their first kiss had lit something in the pit of his gut, and now it flared to life again.

Chan-ho knelt. His fingers found their way to the buckle of Young-soo's belt. He let them rest there a minute, so Young-soo could catch up, could push him away if that was what he wanted. It wasn't like him, to give his partner so many outs, almost like he was waiting for them to refuse, but then he didn't usually sleep with someone who was so obviously new to this as Young-soo seemed to be.




I'm only honest when it rains.
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth.
I want to love you but I don't know how.





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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 11/12/2017 4:53 PM

Young-soo's first instinct was to put up resistance to Chan-ho's manhandling him towards the bed, but his brain caught up just in time to let his feet move with the other boy. He found himself in Chan-ho's shadow, mere inches shorter in his sitting position but feeling small for a few moments. Unsure. But god, Chan-ho's eyes on him like this were all he'd wanted for, at this point, as long as he cared to remember (and before that was anger, and before that was indifference, so what was the point of remembering anyway).

He was about to say something, something to rile Chan-ho up more, to get this rolling before Young-soo could think about the consequences. But Chan-ho dropped to his knees before he could get out more than a breath. Oh, fuck. Young-soo's face lit up with heat as Chan-ho's hands grabbed at his belt, and he didn't realize how hard he'd been staring down at the other boy until Chan-ho paused. He swallowed, throat making an audible click of tension, before he let out a slow breath and brought his hands up to trail against, to cradle the edge of Chan-ho's jawline. There were things he wanted to ask for. Things he was too nervous to ask for. This was his friend. His friend, and yet he wanted nothing more than to pull Chan-ho's head and mouth and lips and fuck yes closer to the source of his heat.

But he felt himself frozen, in that regard, like his arms had no strength to do so. Instead he threaded his fingers into Chan-ho's hair, brushed over the shells of his ears, the back of his neck. Just feeling. "Go ahead. I'm good," he managed to mumble out, raising his hips ever so slightly to aid Chan-ho in getting the slacks down...



The ceiling fan's slow circle above the bed set a pace for Young-soo to focus on as he let his breathing settle, his expression one of slacked awe as he laid in the afterglow of what was probably one of the most intense orgasms of his life. He licked his lips to wet them (he'd forgotten how to breathe through his nose like a normal human being halfway into it and his throat was killing him for it), turning his attention from the lazy circles on the ceiling to the warmth and weight of Chan-ho's head on his forearm. Young-soo's hand had found its way to Chan-ho's side, brushing slow strokes over the ups and downs of the boy's ribcage, absent of thought and yet so very full of it. For the first time in a long time, Young-soo's mind felt blank, in the most pleasant way possible.

"Wow," he finally mumbled, in a moment of vulnerability. It was the first proper word he'd uttered since they'd began the act. One arm effectively pinned down, he abandoned the soft attention to Chan-ho's side to bring his free hand up to card through his own sweat-mussed hair, pushing it out of his eyes. He ventured a glance over at the boy beside him, his expression open and exhausted, but there was a warmth in his gaze that Chan-ho had likely never seen before. "Y-you good?"
You're a door-without-a-key,
A field-without-a-fence.
You made a holy fool of me,
And I've thanked you ever since.
If she comes circling back,
We'll end where we'd begun,
Like two pennies on the train track
The train crushed into one,
Or if I'm a crown without a king,
If I'm a broken open seed,
If I come without a thing,
Then I come with all I need.
No boat out in the blue,
No place to rest your head
The trap I set for you seems to have
Caught my leg instead.

I do not exist. I do not exist. I do not exist.


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 11/13/2017 1:08 AM

For a while, Chan-ho was content to lie there, his head empty with the buzz of pleasure running through his veins. It felt good to just let himself drift, the warmth of someone else's body next to him, legs tangled under the covers. Even the way his body ached was satisfying, in its own way. Wrapped up in the moment, he smiled, making a small contented noise as a hand stroked down his side, his eyes fluttering closed as he savored the touch.

And then he opened them, to the sound of Young-soo's voice, to find Young-soo staring at him. To see the expression on Young-soo's face, full of tender infatuation. Chan-ho had never seen him quite so soft as he was in that moment. It felt, somehow, even more intimate than what they had just done.

Chan-ho felt the weight of that gaze all at once, and the smile disappeared from his face. His throat closed up with the beginnings of something--- "Yeah," he said, smiling again, but this time it was from reflex. It was already the same smile that Chan-ho gave to everyone, the habitual movements of being himself. "Yeah, I'm fine. You were... You were great." It was true, sort of. Young-soo wasn't the worst partner he'd had, and much better than Chan-ho had thought he would be, given how inexperienced he'd seemed this whole time.

But now that his head was no longer clouded by the heady afterglow, he remembered too how gentle Young-soo's hands had been, how soft his touch was, as if Chan-ho had been something Young-soo thought he might break. Chan-ho remembered his own impatience, and how it felt like he was suffocating, little by little, even as his body gave into gratification.

He felt cold, suddenly, despite everything. "I..." Before he quite knew what he was doing, Chan-ho was disentangling himself from Young-soo, pulling away so he could stand and pick his clothes up off the floor. "I should go back," he heard himself say as he dressed himself. "We should both go back. I'll meet you back at the dorms, I have something I need to do..." It was a weak excuse. He knew it even as the words left his mouth. It wasn't like him, to lose his composure like this, but there was nothing he needed more than to get out of there, right now. "The key card's still here, so take your time," he said, half turning to smile at Young-soo one more time, but Chan-ho kept his gaze resolutely away from Young-soo's eyes.

And then he was out the door, out of the building, out. Out, out, out. The night air was cool on his skin, but not cool enough. He stumbled past an older man, apologizing distractedly when the man cursed at him in a voice slurred by drink.

He had to go back. Not to the love hotel, but to the dorms--- and yet he couldn't. He couldn't do anything but wander aimlessly, past the bars and clubs and corner stores with their lights still on. His reflection in a darkened storefront window caught his eye: a young man with messy red hair and disheveled clothes, another drunkard lost on the streets.

He laughed, pitching forward to press his forehead against the glass. "You really screwed up this time," he said quietly.

He felt like he was going to be sick.




I'm only honest when it rains.
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth.
I want to love you but I don't know how.





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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 11/13/2017 1:39 AM

Young-soo's brows were knitting, face contorting with worry, before he could really register what was happening. He raised up on his elbows, then hands, sitting up properly and feeling far too exposed now that Chan-ho was pulling his clothes back on in a hurry. "Hey, hey, don't--" he cut off as Chan-ho mentioned needing to be somewhere, and he let himself sag slightly, glancing sideways at his own clothes on the floor.

"Right, yeah... the dorms. Yeah." Young-soo blinked back to reality, back to being an idol, back to work, back to life. He looked up at Chan-ho, watched his back arch as he pulled his pants back on, and felt a deep affection stir in his chest. He thought about grabbing a shower, but in his hazy brain, he realized he'd stop smelling like Chan-ho if that happened.

Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe there would be fewer questions.

Damn it. Young-soo felt his heart twinge slightly. Keeping relationships on the down-low wasn't uncommon--but this was something else entirely. In fact... was this a relationship? Young-soo opened his mouth as if to ask, but Chan-ho wasn't meeting his eyes, and seemed just about ready to walk out the door. It was a stupid question, anyway, wasn't it? It was too soon. Yeah. "I'll... see you," was the last thing he said to him, before the sound of the door shutting swallowed up his mumbled words.

Young-soo took his time, at first, but being in the love hotel room alone just set him deeply on edge. Familiar smells were already fading into the smell of cheap cigarettes (likely from a previous patron) and the strong-smelling cleaner in the bathroom. Young-soo made his exit quickly, thanking the woman at the desk awkwardly and flagging down a taxi to get back to the dorms.

When he arrived, Chan-ho wasn't there, and everyone else was getting ready for bed. Conversation was brief, blessedly, and after a moment of thought he sat down on the couch in the main room to wait up for Chan-ho. Surely he'd come soon. He left before Young-soo, after all... the boy slowly took out his phone and thought about calling him, but thought better of it. He didn't want to seem clingy. Or worse, needy. A bitter tug of his mouth, and he set the phone down. No, he'd just wait. He could wait.
You're a door-without-a-key,
A field-without-a-fence.
You made a holy fool of me,
And I've thanked you ever since.
If she comes circling back,
We'll end where we'd begun,
Like two pennies on the train track
The train crushed into one,
Or if I'm a crown without a king,
If I'm a broken open seed,
If I come without a thing,
Then I come with all I need.
No boat out in the blue,
No place to rest your head
The trap I set for you seems to have
Caught my leg instead.

I do not exist. I do not exist. I do not exist.


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 11/13/2017 1:57 AM

For once, Chan-ho didn't know what he wanted. It wasn't a familiar feeling, and he found he didn't like it much. He knew that he needed a distraction--- anything--- but he discarded ideas as quickly as he came up with them, until he was sitting at one of the tiny tables inside a convenience store, nursing an instant coffee and staring out at the darkness outside.

The phone in his pocket buzzed for what felt like the hundredth time. With a sigh, he pulled it out. There were a dozen notifications. A few were just the usual nonsense from some of the games he'd downloaded. Two were from Hyun-jin, an hour and a half apart, asking when he'd be back. Seven were from TK, almost entirely in various types of emoji. Attached to the last message was a picture of one of TK's bunny dolls, the blue one, sitting alone at the table looking sad.

Hyung. Did you eat a rock?

He laughed despite himself, thought he felt tired immediately afterwards.

He had to go back. The thought had been nagging at the back of his mind for ages. He just... didn't know what he would do once he got there.




He hadn't expected anyone to still be up when he got back to the dorms. Well, aside from TK, but TK was always awake at night. After the first three or four times, Chan-ho had sort of resigned himself to doing the walk of shame under TK's owlish stare from one of the upper bunks in the bedroom.

What he hadn't expected was to have to face Young-soo again so soon. Which was ridiculous, considering they lived together, and considering... everything that just happened.

The photo, he realized now, had been TK's way of trying to warn him.

"Oh," he said, because it was probably impossible to pretend he hadn't noticed Young-soo now. "Hey. Fancy seeing you here."




I'm only honest when it rains.
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth.
I want to love you but I don't know how.





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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 12/29/2017 2:36 PM

Young-soo had visibly jumped when the door opened, his body twitching to attention and eyes wide as he stared at Chan-ho. His heart leapt, too, upward and toward the other boy, a smile automatically tugging his mouth. "Hey," he said softly, a warmth in his voice as he stood up and walked a step or two closer to the other. "I was--" Worried about you, he tried to get out, but that seemed... again, clingy, too much for just a lay...

Well, actually, the fact that they'd had sex was a rather huge deal to Young-soo, but he felt as though it shouldn't be. Felt as though it wasn't, to Chan-ho. Something twisted in his gut at the thought, but only slightly. The smile faded, but not too much.

"--Just... thinking, is all." It was vague, but it was partially true. He shifted, wanting to do... well, something, but he suddenly felt as though Chan-ho had some sort of strange cocoon around him, and Young-soo was not allowed inside. It was a vibe. Maybe he was just being paranoid.

Maybe he could just...

Young-soo stepped in close and leaned in, as if to kiss the other boy's lips--out here, away from the beds, it was safe, after all. He'd never know unless he tried--and then... then he could ask what was going on between them. Originally he thought he could just sleep it off, but the likelihood of him sleeping on it was incredibly unlikely, at this rate. His insides felt too twisted up with anxiety, with worry, with love, with every fucking emotion under the sun and he prayed that Chan-ho could be the one to untangle them.
You're a door-without-a-key,
A field-without-a-fence.
You made a holy fool of me,
And I've thanked you ever since.
If she comes circling back,
We'll end where we'd begun,
Like two pennies on the train track
The train crushed into one,
Or if I'm a crown without a king,
If I'm a broken open seed,
If I come without a thing,
Then I come with all I need.
No boat out in the blue,
No place to rest your head
The trap I set for you seems to have
Caught my leg instead.

I do not exist. I do not exist. I do not exist.


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 12/29/2017 10:25 PM

Chan-ho wasn't sure what he expected. He hadn't steeled himself against Young-soo, and he knew without having to look in the mirror that his own smile was not as easy and natural as it usually was. But what Young-soo might read in that, if anything... That, he didn't know. He still didn't know how to put a name to this uneasiness building inside him, despite all the hours he spent wandering the streets at night.

But he read, too easily, the feelings in Young-soo's voice. Chan-ho's back went stiff at his words, and whatever measure of calm he had regained deserted him all at once.

Absurdly, when Young-soo closed in on him, Chan-ho's first instinct was to run. He didn't, but the compulsion surprised him all the same. Proximity had never bothered him before, and this was Young-soo... But this was also clearly Young-soo leaning in for a kiss, and the thought of that made something in his chest seize, not in a good way.

No. He had seen this before. Sometimes people just didn't get that it was only supposed to be a fling. He could... He could do this. Chan-ho leaned back as Young-soo leaned forward. "Why?" he said, blinking as he smiled, deliberately oblivious and confused. "Is there something on my face?"




I'm only honest when it rains.
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth.
I want to love you but I don't know how.





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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 12/29/2017 11:05 PM

Young-soo paused, hovering where he was left when Chan-ho leaned away. He blinked owlishly, a little startled, then smiled and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it and leaning away once more. "I, uh... no," he chuckled, uncomfortable, nervous. He looked vulnerable, but quickly trying to gather himself back, metaphorically caught with his pants down by Chan-ho's obvious avoidance.

"I just... ahh..." Young-soo's hands slipped into his own pockets, licking his lips and looking up at the ceiling for a brief moment, as if the question he'd been mulling over would appear in proper human tongue. "What... are... we?" he finally got out, his smile almost anxious as he turned dark eyes back to Chan-ho. "If--if this is like, a bad time, or whatever, I can just uh..." He trailed off, then broke eye contact to stare at the floor past Chan-ho's hip. "Actually, no. No, I... I need to know where... we stand. Can you tell me that?"

Young-soo was used to being blunt. But never in such a... cornering way. But he had to know. He had to put his mind to rest. Something told him, however, that no matter what answer he got, sleep would not come.
You're a door-without-a-key,
A field-without-a-fence.
You made a holy fool of me,
And I've thanked you ever since.
If she comes circling back,
We'll end where we'd begun,
Like two pennies on the train track
The train crushed into one,
Or if I'm a crown without a king,
If I'm a broken open seed,
If I come without a thing,
Then I come with all I need.
No boat out in the blue,
No place to rest your head
The trap I set for you seems to have
Caught my leg instead.

I do not exist. I do not exist. I do not exist.


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 01/16/2018 2:27 AM

It had probably been too much to hope for, that Chan-ho would be able to deflect Young-soo with just that. He knew it, but that didn't stop his insides from twisting with dread at his words. 'What are we?' Boy, that was the question of the hour, wasn't it? What did Young-soo want them to be?

... No, he knew the answer to that. Even Chan-ho couldn't pretend that he didn't. He was all too aware of just how close his back was to the wall, and though Young-soo had shoved his hands into his pockets, it wouldn't take much for him to trap Chan-ho there.

Chan-ho knew he had to answer quickly, or else Young-soo would read something into his silence too. "I don't know what you mean," he said, tossing out the first words that came to mind. He grinned, settling into himself, his head inclined slightly in the most nonchalant way he could manage. "This was just a make-up date, remember? The all-inclusive Chan-ho experience." He motioned to himself, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, as if he really was that cheap and easy. And hey, maybe he was. His voice was deliberately, meticulously light as he spoke, to drive home just how little all of it meant to him. "That was what you wanted, right?"




I'm only honest when it rains.
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth.
I want to love you but I don't know how.





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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 01/16/2018 2:47 AM

Young-soo was about to open his mouth to try to explain better, but Chan-ho's next words silenced him fully, and effectively closed some door that had started to open in Young-soo's brain. It wasn't what he'd expected to hear, but it wasn't unlike the boy before him. Yeah. That really was... so like him, wasn't it.

Young-soo stared at him for a long moment, as if trying to weigh Chan-ho's apparent honesty against that grin and that suggestive look and that flippant tone. He stared, silent, for a few beats, then licked his lips quickly to wet them, glancing down at the floor with a nod. "Sure... Yeah--" he cut into his own trail-off, patting his own thigh with a hand and offering a half-formed grin to the other boy. "Yeah, totally. And... thanks. Y'know, for... the good time."

Young-soo bit his lips together, a hot tension roiling in his stomach and burning his throat, making it tight, and he swore he'd have to leave it at that if it reached his eyes. But somehow, it didn't, and he opened his mouth instead, hands rising halfway, palms up. "I mean, fuck, I guess it was more to me than that, but I'll live." He let his hands fall, and he made his exit, walking into the bedroom and finding his bunk, curling into the wall with the covers drawn up over his head.

The heat reached his eyes, and he was thankful for the blanket to dry them.
You're a door-without-a-key,
A field-without-a-fence.
You made a holy fool of me,
And I've thanked you ever since.
If she comes circling back,
We'll end where we'd begun,
Like two pennies on the train track
The train crushed into one,
Or if I'm a crown without a king,
If I'm a broken open seed,
If I come without a thing,
Then I come with all I need.
No boat out in the blue,
No place to rest your head
The trap I set for you seems to have
Caught my leg instead.

I do not exist. I do not exist. I do not exist.


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 01/18/2018 6:40 AM

The line of tension in Chan-ho's shoulders only relaxed once Young-soo had walked away. He leaned heavily against the wall, a breath rushing out of him as he closed his eyes. He felt so... drained. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. This wasn't how any of it was supposed to happen.

Before he stormed off, Young-soo had made a face like he'd swallowed something bitter. The image of it surfaced again in Chan-ho's mind as he stood there, so he opened his eyes again and shook his head, as if he could discard the unwanted thought with the gesture. He glanced at the bedroom door, but something made him hesitate.

He couldn't stay here tonight.

It was a bad idea and he knew it, but it had been a comprehensive night of bad ideas, and at this point one more couldn't possibly make a difference. He discarded his jacket and traded it for something more casual, then jammed his feet into his sneakers and walked out the door.

He didn't actually know where he was going until he'd almost arrived. Yo-han's building--- no, his old dorm, Chan-ho realized. He'd moved out about a month ago. Chan-ho dug out the address from where he'd saved it on his phone, and let the GPS guide him, stopping at a much nicer building several neighborhoods away.

He pressed the apartment number on the intercom and hoped Yo-han would still be up.

For a moment, there was no response. Biting his lip, Chan-ho tried again. This time, a voice came through, though it was low and irritable. Yo-han might have been sleeping after all. "Chan-ho," he said. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Chan-ho smiled into the camera, trying to think of something to say, but the words stuck in his throat. Yo-han blinked at him for a moment, and whatever he read in Chan-ho's face made him sigh. But a moment later, Chan-ho could hear the buzz of the door as it unlocked. "Don't make too much noise when you come up. Most people prefer to sleep at night."




It wasn't really a big secret, the fact that Chan-ho slept around. He wasn't the only one either; most of his regular fuck buddies also fucked each other. That was just how it was. It was a safer bet than screwing someone outside the industry. If you were both in showbiz, at least you had mutually assured destruction on your side if you had a falling out. And there was nothing wrong with having a little fun, as long as you were discrete about it.

After the night with Young-soo, Chan-ho slept around more than before. Not much, at first--- a few more flirtations backstage on music programs, a few more hookups in bars. He was feeling restless, ill at ease from all the proximity around Young-soo, and the unresolved... whatever this was. It was just something to take the edge off. That was what he told himself.

Except it was pretty hard to believe when he taking it up the ass in a bathroom stall, another guy's cock in his mouth, half an hour before he was supposed to be on stage. It was a single lucid thought amidst the warm almost-numbness in his body and the vaguely obscene noises echoing through the cramped space. But then the man behind him groaned, grabbing his ass and thrusting harder. It hurt, but Chan-ho welcomed it, using the pain to drive out the unwanted epiphany.

The aftermath wasn't pretty. It was a good thing he knew how to fix his own makeup, but he couldn't completely hide his disheveled state when he reappeared in the waiting room. Seung-min, their manager, looked up as he walked in. "Where the hell were you? We're on standby to go on in ten," he said. Then he registered Chan-ho's appearance, and his eyebrows shot up towards his hairline. "What happened to your hair?"

"Bathroom," said Chan-ho, grinning. He didn't bother to answer Seung-min's second question. One of the coordinators was already making a beeline for him, an impatient frown on her face as she brandished a comb and more spray. Another was fixing his outfit. She didn't say anything, but she sighed twice, the second rather more dramatic than the first.

A couple of the other boys gave him odd looks, but Chan-ho ignored them. He was trying to hold onto the boneless warmth pulsing through him for as long as he could. He hoped it would be enough--- just to get him through to tomorrow. It never seemed to be enough lately. Normally he didn't even entertain the idea of threesomes, but these days he felt like he'd be willing to try almost everything.

It felt like he was trying to crawl out of his own skin. Not with much success, evidently.




I'm only honest when it rains.
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth.
I want to love you but I don't know how.





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