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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/08/2018 4:34 AM

Hyun-jin blinked, his smile faltering for a moment, before reasserting itself with a more apologetic air. "Sorry. I should have said something before I sat down," he said. "And don't worry about the bill, I got it. What's a leader for, right?" A waitress was hovering near the edge of their table, so he turned to make eye contact with her, and murmured a quiet order for a green tea, mostly so Young-soo wasn't drinking something alone. That way the wait staff wouldn't have to concern themselves with looking out for his order too, which would hopefully mean they'd have a little more privacy.

When she was gone, he turned back to Young-soo. "I'm always here if you need to talk. About anything," he said. It couldn't have been easy for Young-soo to reach out, considering how little he generally let on if something was wrong. It hurt Hyun-jin to see him like this, clearly and visibly out of sorts.

The question about Chan-ho didn't surprise Hyun-jin; he had suspected--- they had all suspected--- that Chan-ho was the crux of the matter. Nevertheless, he didn't have an immediate reply, humming softly as he tried to find the right words. The problem was that Chan-ho also wasn't the type to talk about his problems, and Hyun-jin didn't know him as well as he did some of the other members. "I think he's working through some things himself," Hyun-jin said slowly, after a moment. "Did... something happen between the two of you? You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but I can listen if you'd like. Sometimes it's good to get things off your chest."
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/08/2018 4:46 AM

That... wasn't the answer Young-soo had wanted to hear, and he felt as though his heart rate had kicked up anxiously in his chest for nothing. The vague answer just made him frown slightly. 'Working through some things,' was he?

His throat had tightened in on itself as Hyun-jin spoke, and he fought for a neutral expression as the question was posed. "Something... between us? I mean," Young-soo's voice cracked, and he covered it with a kind of awkward chuckle, or tried to. He looked up at Hyun-jin, something like fear visible in his eyes. He suddenly realized he had no idea just how normal, or acceptable (or rather abnormal and unacceptable) it was to sleep with a teammate. How often did it happen? Was it punishable? Would he and Chan-ho be forced to leave the group?

He felt sick. His hand went to cover his mouth, hiding whatever twisted fake excuse of a grin he'd started to form on his face, for fear he might be sick. "I... I don't know if I can tell you," he whispered through his fingers, looking like he might fall apart in that moment, or any subsequent moment after. He steeled himself and reached for his latte, just for something to hold, but his hand was shaking so much he realized picking it up would be a lost cause. He placed both hands in his lap, instead, afraid of using them in any way. He cast a glance over his shoulder, then leaned in close, over the table. "What's... what's the worst thing... that I could say right now? Y-you know, to... get me in trouble. Yes, something happened. And I... trust you, damn it, I do, but I'm not good at this, and I can't fucking let all of these years die for nothing over one stupid fucking night."

He froze, realizing he'd said too much for true secrecy anymore. He crumpled slightly, drawing into himself. "Promise me I can stay in KUN-A," he mumbled, hating how much he sounded like a child, just then. "And... and then I'll. Tell you."



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/09/2018 12:14 AM

Hyun-jin's expression softened as he watched Young-soo struggle to get the words out, but he listened in silence until Young-soo had finished. He paused a moment, then rose out of his seat to slide into the booth on Young-soo's side, throwing an arm around Young-soo's shoulder. He let his hand rest there, gentle but firm, as he tried to find the words.

To say he hadn't guessed at some of what had transpired between them would have been a lie. Hyun-jin wasn't the type to gossip, but he wanted his members to be happy, and it was his responsibility to keep an eye out for them anyway. What Young-soo said all but confirmed what he had suspected.

"I can't promise you that," he said, knowing it wasn't what Young-soo wanted to hear, but also knowing that it was better to be truthful it he could. "But I can promise that I'll keep your secret, whatever it is; and if it gets out, I'll do my best to protect you. Alright?" He had done as much for Jae. "You're my member and my friend, and I won't think any worse of you, no matter what you tell me."
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/09/2018 1:49 AM

Young-soo flinched when Hyun-jin got up, his eyes widening for a moment. His shoulders hunched, tensing for something, when the other boy slipped in beside him and drew an arm around his shoulders.

He stared at Hyun-jin's face as the older boy spoke what Young-soo could tell was the truth. His heart ripped in four ways, and he felt his last bit of composure break in kind.

The tears welled in his eyes before he could stop them. "Fuck," he whispered, his hands coming up to hurriedly scrub at his eyes, pressing his sleeves to them to try to stop the flow of tears. He held his breath, reeling himself in, pressing his back so hard into the booth that it seemed like he was trying to disappear. He didn't mean to pin Hyun-jin's arm there, either, but that was inevitable. "We had sex," he finally got out, softer than death and accompanied by a hiccuping sob. "It was such a stupid fucking mistake. My heart is so fucking stupid. I hate it. I hate all of this. Why is it so fucking easy for him?" At this point, stopping the flow of tears was impossible. Young-soo cried openly, or as openly as one could in a cafe, trying to keep his voice down at the very least. He suddenly wished they were anywhere private, and not under the gaze of every passing waitress.

When he'd managed to steel himself long enough, he continued to talk. "I don't really remember when I started... started thinking about him like that. I don't know. I like girls, hyung, I swear I do. I just don't fucking know. He's all I can think about and I don't know why he doesn't feel anything--it's like he doesn't care. Did he ever care? Fuck, don't answer that," he added, hurriedly, and finally fell silent as he bit his lips hard and shut himself up.



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/09/2018 2:09 AM

Hyun-jin didn't so much as wince as Young-soo pressed himself back, only shifted closer, wrapping his arm more thoroughly around Young-soo, pulling in the other boy so that he might be able to better hide Young-soo with the bulk of his body.

It hurt, to watch Young-soo crying like this. Hyun-jin had known that something was wrong, but he had underestimated just how deeply it had affected Young-soo, who had never shown the other members such a raw emotional outburst. A part of him was glad that Young-soo trusted him enough to let his guard down like this, but even then, he wished it hadn't had to happen.

He wished there was more he could do. His other arm came up to wrap Young-soo in a loose hug, one hand running up and down Young-soo's back in a gesture he'd used to soothe his younger siblings when he still lived at home. He was quiet for a long time, first as he listened, and then as he thought. Eventually, he said quietly, "It's not wrong to love someone, no matter who it is. It might be hard, but... it isn't wrong." He knew even as he said it that it was an understatement. They were entertainers, and this wasn't the West, where that kind of thing might not be a career-ending scandal if it got out. Still, he wasn't about to condemn Young-soo for it. He'd meant what he said.

He wished he could have said more. He knew things... Perhaps more than he should have, about Chan-ho's circumstances. But most of what he could offer was conjecture, and the rest... They weren't his secrets to tell. "I think you should talk to him," was all Hyun-jin could say in the end, when Young-soo regained some semblance of calm again. "I know it's not easy, but I really do think it would be better if you did. He might not look like it, but maybe he's just scared. We... do a lot of unreasonable things when we're afraid of something."
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/09/2018 2:33 AM

The silence, this time, was a blessing. It was a moment for Young-soo to just let himself be weak, for a moment, in Hyun-jin's steady hold. He wasn't used to allowing himself such a thing--it was all smiles for the cameras, all smiles for his teammates. It was like a thorn was being wrenched out of his heart, slowly and painfully, but mercifully all the same. There were more thorns in there--but this one was a big one, for certain.

Sometimes Young-soo wondered if he deserved to call what he felt for Chan-ho 'love.' It was so tainted now with frustration, with lust, with anger, with hurt, he wasn't sure what it was anymore. Love was supposed to be soft, wasn't it? Supposed to be carefree and gentle. Why did Young-soo feel like he wanted to rip Chan-ho's walls down, to hurt him like he'd hurt Young-soo, but also hold Chan-ho tighter than he could possibly imagine? He was beginning to realize just how naive he was. Perhaps love involved pain, too.

He couldn't find it in himself to ask these questions. He leaned into Hyun-jin, for a moment, his cheek on the other boy's shoulder as he stared at the table's woodgrain pattern. "The... the night after it happened," he began, slowly, his voice rough from crying but a bit more stable now, "I tried. I tried to talk to him... ask him what we were, after all that, y'know. I think I was too afraid to really talk to him, but he just... kept avoiding things." He was silent for a long moment, the cogs in his brain turning, before he let out a long, slow breath. "I guess... if I was scared, like, really scared of being asked what I asked him... I'd avoid the question, too." The shot of empathy was like a numbing sensation to his anger. He wasn't sure if he liked it. Anger was better than feeling nothing at all.

But he hated the anger more than anything else. Hated the way it made him want to break things. To break himself. He repressed it. He wondered if Chan-ho felt the same way, but wasn't repressing it at all. He wondered how rough Chan-ho's fuck buddies were. He wondered if Chan-ho was trying to break, too.

"I'll talk to him," Young-soo finally murmured, his eyes lidding. He felt exhausted, as if all the days of improper meals and interrupted sleep were suddenly catching up with him. "I just don't want to scare him off. If it meant him going back to normal, I'd take everything back. I miss him." Young-soo paused, his heart catching in his throat. He grit his teeth and heaved one final, shuddering sigh, straggling tears welling in his eyes. "I miss him so damn much."



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/09/2018 3:32 AM

As Young-soo settled back into himself, Hyun-jin let one arm drop, easing back to give him more room. Wordlessly, he produced a small packet of tissues from his pocket. The packaging was a little crumpled, and it was printed with colorful cartoon animals, but the contents were still good, so he passed it over to Young-soo.

Hyun-jin smiled and nodded as Young-soo explained. "If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know," he said. "But I think maybe you'll have a little more luck this time around. You've both had time to think things over, so maybe he's ready now... And if he isn't, I could talk to him too." Hyun-jin was privately hoping it didn't come to that, since it felt like a private thing between the two of them, but the reality was that the current situation wasn't sustainable.

And Young-soo, truth be told, wasn't the one he was the most worried about here. The fact that Young-soo had held onto enough composure to reach out to someone was a good sign. On the other hand... Chan-ho had seemed stable in the beginning, when Hyun-jin had first met him; Hyun-jin had even admired his strength for being so bright even though his life must have been that much harder. But now that he was starting to see Chan-ho unravel, he felt as though he was watching someone teeter on the edge of a volcano. It was just all the more unfortunate that Young-soo had gotten caught up in it too.



"Chan-ho."

There was, Chan-ho thought, no good place to look. He settled for staring at the space just above Seung-min's shoulder. He couldn't meet Seung-min's eyes, but he didn't want to--- he wouldn't look down at the ground. Which was probably just making it worse, but even then, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Lee Chan-ho," said Seung-min. His voice was cold, with a hard note in it that made something sick and terrible flare to life in the pit of Chan-ho's gut. "Look at me."

Chan-ho couldn't do that either, and his refusal made Seung-min sigh in frustration. "Damnit. Chan-ho, what the fuck was that? What the fuck did you do?" he snapped. And, try as Chan-ho might to hold himself in check, he couldn't help but flinch slightly when Seung-min raised his voice.

Seung-min wasn't looking at him anymore though. He had turned away, to pace the floor of the tiny room he'd found Chan-ho in. The other boy had long since fled the scene, but Chan-ho's clothes were rumpled, and the collar of his shirt had been buttoned up to hide the marks trailing up his chest. He was thinner than he had been a month ago. The dark circles beneath his eyes were getting harder to hide, even with concealer.

"I don't know if you're stupid or if you just have a death wish, but I'd better have fucking hallucinated what I saw just now, or else you can pack your bags tonight and go home."

The words caught Chan-ho like a punch to the gut, his carefully blank expression giving way to one of genuine distress. "Hyung, please, I can't--- I won't do it again," he said.

"Again? You think we're going to give you the chance to do it again? Look, do you even understand what you've done? You're lucky I'm the one who found you! If I had been someone from another company, or god forbid, one of those goddamn reporters, all of KUN-A would have been crucified overnight!" Seung-min closed the distance between them again as Chan-ho pressed himself against the wall, terror and guilt washing over him in waves as Seung-min's broad frame loomed over him. Seung-min seemed to catch himself, backing away just a little to rub one hand over his face tiredly. "Alright, fine. So you don't give a shit about yourself, or about Chairman Seo, even though he took you in like his own goddamn son. But couldn't you have at least thought about your members? Couldn't you have thought about all the work they poured into making it here, and kept it in your pants?"

Chan-ho had nothing to say to that. He could only stare at the wall in silence as Seung-min sighed again. "You know what, maybe it was my fault. I should have kept a closer eye on you, even if you didn't have any sense---"

"Hyung," said Chan-ho. His voice came out barely a whisper, but Seung-min's gaze snapped to his face, and Chan-ho had to suppress the urge to turn away. Chan-ho's eyes were pleading, and he knew he must have looked disgustingly pathetic in that moment, but he couldn't help himself. "You're not... going to tell anyone about this, are you?"

Seung-min laughed harshly. "I damn well should!" he snapped, before deflating again. "...But I won't." He massaged his forehead with his fingers, closing his eyes briefly. "You're really lucky I was the one who caught you. We'll decide what to do with you later." He waved Chan-ho off with a flick of his hand. "For now, get out of my sight. I don't even want to know you exist until we get back to the dorms, got it?"

Chan-ho nodded, then fled. It was a good thing it had been their last schedule of the day. The way he was right now, he didn't even know if he could hold up a smile in front of the camera.

Ducking out of the building, he found an abandoned corner tucked between the wall and a hedge, empty except for a single old dumpster that had long since fallen into disuse. He leaned himself against the wall, and tried to focus on breathing. He felt sick. He felt... His hands rummaged through his pockets, trembling, until he came up with a packet of cigarettes.

He'd bought them last week and immediately decided they were a bad idea, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to throw them away. Now he ripped off the plastic packaging and opened up the box, sliding one out with his thumb. He considered it for a moment, and thought about all the times he'd watched Yo-han light one up, outside some bar or pojangmacha, the peace on Yo-han's face as he breathed out whorls of pale smoke.

It took Chan-ho three tries to light it. His fingers were still shaking as he brought it to his lips and took a drag--- only to double over, coughing uncontrollably, as it seared through his lungs.
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/10/2018 12:26 AM

After that talk with Hyun-jin, Young-soo felt better. It was a small difference--he still couldn't quite look Chan-ho in the eye (though he caught himself staring in thought from time to time when the boy had his back turned), and he still felt twinges of anxiety and anger, but he didn't feel quite so coiled anymore. He didn't feel as trapped. In all honesty it had felt amazing to tell someone, anyone what was going on in his heart, and thankfully it had been someone as trustworthy as Hyun-jin. For the first few days after that confession, as much as he hated to admit it to himself, he kept on his guard. Just in case Hyun-jin let something slip to a manager. Just in case...

Young-soo beat himself over the head, mentally, for being so skeptical. Everything was fine, and Hyun-jin was a great guy. Young-soo's thoughts slowed as he yawned, stepping out of the recording studio and onto the sidewalk outside. The radio show had gone well. Young-soo even found himself laughing a few times, quite genuinely, rather than having to force it. He was still quiet, he supposed, like he had been in the past few variety shows and radio shows. He wondered if any of the fans noticed. Maybe...

The sound of a cough made him stop at the edge of the sidewalk. He'd been on his way back to the busses, fully ready to get back to the dorms and finally get some sleep. He turned in the direction of the sound, surprised to find no one in sight, and carefully slipped his hands into his pockets as he walked closer.

In all honesty, he shouldn't have been so surprised--but his heart dropped to the pit of his stomach the moment he spotted Chan-ho, doubled over and hacking. He recovered himself, as quickly as he could, and instinctively rushed over to the other boy before his brain could catch up. "You okay?" he blurted out, slowing and stopping several feet away before he could close the gap between him and the other boy. He eyed the cigarette, his brows raising in surprise, a wash of awkwardness settling on his shoulders. "You... smoke?"



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/10/2018 1:22 AM

Chan-ho had fallen onto his knees without meaning to. He wasn't in good shape these days--- he couldn't remember the last time he'd slept for more than two hours at a time, and it was hard to force himself to eat when he felt so sick and restless. He jerked up at the sound of footsteps, breath catching as his eyes went wide in panic. It took him a moment to recognize that it was Young-soo, but if anything, that made everything worse. Guilt and shame roiled through him in hot, nauseating waves. For a moment, he felt a mortifying urge to cry.

But he couldn't. He had to pull himself together... He had to. Chan-ho swallowed, then pushed up a feeble smile. "I thought about it," he said. "It looked kind of cool, but... I guess this means it's not for me, huh?" He let the cigarette drop from his hand. Rising to his feet with a groan, he put out the still-lit end with the heel of his boot and ran a hand through his hair, trying to still the tremors. He was fine... He was fine. He hadn't been that scared in a while but there wasn't any room for that right now. Why couldn't he stop shaking?

Young-soo was just about the last person he wanted to see right now.

"You should go on ahead to the van," he said. By some miracle, his voice was steady, even if it sounded forced. "I'll catch up. I just need a minute, that's all."
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/10/2018 1:36 AM

Young-soo couldn't quite see the expressions moving over Chan-ho's face in the dim light of the alleyway, but he could tell that the air was tense. He held up his hands slightly in an attempted sign of not judging. "Hey, you do you, man," he offered, an air of forced casualness in his voice. At least he was trying. Anger tempted to flare up again, but Hyun-jin's voice echoed in his mind, and he tamped it back down.

Chan-ho was just as scared as he was. Chan-ho was just as scared...

"Yeah.. I don't think it's for you," he mused aloud, hands returning to his pockets, afraid of what he might do with them if they weren't confined. Now that he was focused on the other boy, perhaps too focused, he could see the tremors, the shaking. His brows knitted as he allowed himself for the first time in awhile to properly look at Chan-ho. Thin frame, haggard eyes... something far sharper, but far less fiery tugged at his chest. "Hey," he murmured, gentler than he had in weeks, as he took a few steps closer. At Chan-ho's suggestion for him to leave, he paused in his tracks, then licked his lips in thought and shook his head. He kept walking forward. "Nah, I'll... I will in a sec. Listen, Chan-ho..."

Young-soo's voice was calm as he could manage, a slight tremor making it come out strained. He talked slowly to try to make up for it, at first, but words tumbled out faster than he could think on them. "I just wanna warn you, I... I really want to, like, talk. Like, properly talk... soon. Sometime." He took a breath and weaved his fingers into his hair, mussing the work their makeup crew had done. "About... that night, and all. I just think something is... kind of hurting us both, or something? I dunno. Fuck, man, I'm bad at this and you look like a wreck," he finally blurted, concern weighing his voice down. He didn't mean to take another step forward, but it was instinctual--his shadow touched Chan-ho's, cast from the streetlamp behind him.



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/10/2018 2:28 AM

The harsh note in Young-soo's voice made Chan-ho tense up, but at the same time he was relieved. Good. If Young-soo got mad, maybe he'd decide that Chan-ho wasn't worth his time. Chan-ho closed his eyes a moment to steady himself, already turning away.

... Except Young-soo didn't leave, like Chan-ho had hoped. Chan-ho took a step back as Young-soo came forward, but he knew without having to look that there was nowhere for him to go. His body flashed hot with some unnamed fear, even as his hands felt more cold and numb than ever, gripping clammily at his arms.

Talk, Young-soo had said. Talk. The ghost of that memory passed like a shadow over his face, no more than the vaguest recollection of a sensation, but even that was too much. He couldn't. He had to---

He laughed, mirthless and feverish with desperation. "You want to talk?" he said. "Fine, talk. No, really, I want to hear it." He had stopped in his tracks, his back not quite to the wall; the smile on his face had turned cruel, his features sharpening in the stark orange light of the street lamps. He took one step forward, then another. "What are you going to do--- tell me you love me again? How much you just love the feel of my mouth on your cock?" He had closed the distance between them, leaning in to whisper his words into Young-soo's ears, his hands unclenching from their iron grip on himself to ghost up the length of Young-soo's chest. "Say it. I'm all ears."

Then he pulled away, laughing again. He didn't know what he was doing. A part of him was terrified, screaming at himself to stop; he knew that if he opened his mouth, there would be no turning back. But the rest didn't care. It was already ruined, and he didn't--- he didn't know how to stop. "You shouldn't lie though. You don't," he said, "love me. There's no 'me' to love. You just wanted a good time--- that's all." He paused, a wry smile tugging at one corner of his mouth. "Well, you're right about one thing. I am a wreck. I've been a wreck all along. You got your money's worth, so..." His voice went quiet on the last word, his throat closing suddenly, as if around a sob. But that wasn't right. Chan-ho didn't cry. He hadn't cried in years. "So, y'know. Talk all you want, but that night is over. It's done."
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/10/2018 5:10 AM

Of all the things he'd been expecting, hostility was not one of them. Young-soo froze for a few seconds, staring in disbelief at Chan-ho's wild, derisive smile. He didn't move as the other boy's hands ghosted his chest, as much as they swirled heat into the pit of his stomach--Chan-ho's words were flying so fast that Young-soo felt as though he had to wade through them just to reach the other boy. When he finally did, his hands came down on Chan-ho's shoulders hard, and he shoved the other boy up against the wall of the building. His breathing was shallow, a fresh wave of anger burning up his throat. "Why are you like this?" he hissed, eyes filling with a desperate need--a need to understand.

Young-soo was silent for a brief moment, eyes searching Chan-ho's face, before he dipped his eyes down Chan-ho's neck, staring at the hickeys there. The heat under his skin only grew, jealousy and sadness and confusion fueling the words that tumbled out of his mouth. "I don't... understand you, Chan-ho," he mumbled, turning his stare back to the other boy's face. "What is it you need, huh? What's it gonna take to fucking fix you?!" By now his voice had risen to something far less calm, far less conscious of the semi-public setting. "What the fuck do I have to do to get my friend back?"

While a part of him would claim he hadn't expected or meant to cry, it was something he'd been getting used to. Crying was just a part of his life, now--the tears that rolled down his face silently were no exception. He drew in a single, shuddering breath, and shoved Chan-ho's shoulders slightly before backing away a few steps. "I don't know you anymore," he whispered, running his hands over his face in some vain attempt to wipe away the tears from his face and eyes. "You're right. There is no 'you,' anymore. Whoever you are, you're not Chan-ho." He grit his teeth, his voice raising again as he balled his hands into fists, nails cutting into his own palms. "And yeah, yeah! Please, let's forget all about that fucking night, if it would make you happy! Let's just wipe it out, along with that shit you pulled catfishing me, and your fucking meaningless apology! Let's forget everything, Chan-ho!"

His voice echoed off the brick walls, the silence to follow filled with his breathing. He opened his fists, eyes darting to his palms. Four half-moon shapes in each, welling thinly with red blood. He exhaled, long and slow, then turned away. "Tell the others I'll be back later. I'll get a taxi back," he murmured, sniffing and forcing his legs to move away from the other boy. "Get on the bus and go get some sleep." It was a strangely soft afterthought to such a raging storm. As if the fight had been driven out of Young-soo, siphoned out of him in his verbal onslaught.



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/10/2018 9:45 AM

Chan-ho should have expected what happened. He knew Young-soo, knew him well enough to know his temper, and that was what he had been going for, wasn't it, when he'd said all those things? But he still froze wide-eyed when Young-soo's hands seized him by the shoulders, still gasped helplessly as he was slammed into the wall. His mouth dried up. Even his traitorous hands had gone still.

His eyes winced closed as Young-soo yelled. This close, he couldn't help it. He didn't open them again, unable to bear the intensity of Young-soo's gaze on him. It felt as though the force of it was scouring him away, down to the raw and rotten mess beneath, where every hateful, ugly thing about himself had coalesced beneath the front of his persistent smile.

Chan-ho heard rather than saw Young-soo's tears, in the way Young-soo's breath caught when he spoke. The sound of it felt like another blow, this one sharper than their manager's outrage. Self-hatred surged through him, but there was nowhere for it to go. It settled in Chan-ho's gut, like so many things.

He watched Young-soo leave. He was good at that. He stood there until Young-soo's silhouette faded out of sight. Then closed his eyes and breathed out, a long and shuddering sigh. The nausea and adrenaline drained out of him, as if Young-soo had taken it all with him. There was nothing left. He felt as though he'd been hollowed out from the inside.

It hurt. Everything hurt. But it was just as much as he deserved.



When he got drunk enough, Chan-ho couldn't feel his face. It was funny. It was hilarious. It was a stupid little detail that his friends had laughed about when he told them, the first time he'd gotten well and truly sauced, on soju filched from the fridge of someone's family restaurant.

By the time Chan-ho stumbled out of Yo-han's building, he could barely feel anything. He was clutching the bottle of liquor to his chest, cradling it as if it were a baby. The weight of it felt good--- steadying. It kept him from wobbling as much as he could have.

Yo-han hadn't been home. Chan-ho had brought a case of soju and an expensive bottle of kaoliang to replace the one he'd had before, and on the walk he had worked himself up into a cold sweat trying to think of what he'd say, but in the end, Yo-han hadn't been there. He'd sat there on the doorstep of Yo-han's apartment, drinking one bottle after another, until only the liquor had been left. It was still two-thirds full, and he took a contemplative swig from the bottle as he leaned against the side of a building.

The world spun, but at least he wasn't thinking about anything anymore. That was something. When was the last time it had been quiet inside his head? He couldn't remember.

He couldn't remember a lot of things, but Chan-ho knew he couldn't go back to the dorms. There were too many things he couldn't face there, even if he couldn't remember what they were. So he wandered, putting one foot in front of the other without really thinking about where he was going, stopping to drink again if he felt like he was getting a little too lucid for his tastes.

Somewhere along the way, he realized where he was. Leaned up against the railing with the bottle at his feet, he blinked. The view from the hill yawned beneath him in a blur of endless lights, just the same as it had since he'd been twelve. He waited for a moment for that weightless feeling of being infinite to rise up in his chest, but nothing did. The magic was gone. A cold wind blew, and Chan-ho shivered, chilled despite the burn of alcohol singing through his veins.

He wanted to laugh... or maybe cry. Maybe it was okay here, since there was no one around to see him. He did neither; instead he brought the bottle to his lips and drank, one full swallow after another. It scalded his throat with all the promise of 120 proof, and he welcomed it with open arms. Only when he could bear it no longer did he set the bottle down with a gasp, breathing hard.

His phone buzzed. How many times had it been? He'd lost count. He hadn't been counting. Chan-ho fished it out of his pocket and dangled it over the edge of the rail, slumped over with his chin resting heavily on his other arm, staring at it with dull, pensive eyes.

It would be so easy.

He let go, and watched as it fell into the darkness, landing on the rocks below with a sickening crack.
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/11/2018 3:43 AM

Nothing. No response.

It had been an hour since he'd left the dorms in a borrowed car, knuckles white on the steering wheel as the remembered path to a certain spot lit up in his brain by some merciful divine providence. He tore his eyes away from his phone, Chan-ho's messenger page pulled up, and focused on the road.

Chan-ho hadn't come home that night. Young-soo had walked in late, sure, and come back to the dorms to find Hyun-jin and their manager, Seung-min, waiting up for him. Well, properly, only the former was waiting for him--the latter was fuming, in Young-soo's face the moment he walked through the door. It was a blur, now, but he'd gotten the gist of things. Seung-min knew something was up--perhaps knew more than he safely should. Young-soo wasn't sure what anxiety had spurred him on as he stumbled out the door once more, fumbling for his phone to call up one of his old friends from high school. He'd had a car--still did, thank god.

"Seriously, man... pick up. You're kind of worrying me, here," Young-soo spoke aloud in the car as he drove, speech-to-text picking up on his words and sending them as a text to Chan-ho's number. Still no response--there hadn't been. A quick glance at his phone screen on his thigh told Young-soo that Chan-ho hadn't even read any of his texts.

"Message to Chan-ho successfully sent." His phone's automated voice grated on his ears as he made a sharp left turn--it was getting repetitive, the confirmation message from his phone. He cursed when he slammed on the brakes, realizing how fast he was going almost too late when he noticed cars had stopped at a light. He hadn't driven a car in months.

It wasn't as though Young-soo knew where Chan-ho was, but he had some small idea of where he might be. It was a longshot, but shorter than most. It would be stupid if he was wrong. It would hurt. Going back to that spot, and finding no one but his own assumptions, past and present.

Briefly, the lights of the city haloing Chan-ho's body on the railing flashed in his memory. His heart clenched around it, grasping for it, asking it to say for a few brief moments, if only to feel that feeling of sweet, trepidatious anxiety for how Chan-ho looked like a bird that might fly away, or fall, at any moment.

When he blinked back into awareness, cars behind him were honking for him to move. The light had been green for awhile.

He activated speech-to-text again. "I need to know where you are... I really need to know where you are, Chan-ho. Give me a call or something. I'm... I'm not gonna hurt you. Fuck. I hope you don't think that..." He tapped send, briefly looking away from the road to do so, and cursed when he realized he wasn't sure where he was. Try to remember. Try...

Everything looked different at night--but in all honesty, Young-soo knew the sun would be up soon enough, though the sky seemed immensely dark. He rolled the car to a stop beside a sidewalk, beyond which was a place all-too-familiar--it hit him like a ton of bricks. He'd be damned if this wasn't the right place. Young-soo pocketed his phone, his friend's keys, and stumbled out of the car, the night air heavy and damp on his face. The starless sky should've clued him in long before the first drops of fat rain hit his skin.

He started walking. Climbing, really. There were so many damn stairs here. That was something he remembered for sure. Though the path was winding, he kept a hand on the rail, slick with rain and seeping cold into his fingers. He found his way.

He found him.

Oh, god, there he was.

Young-soo started running before he could decide to do so. Called Chan-ho's name loud as he could over the growing hiss of rain on concrete and rooftops. The lights of the city were blurry with fog and rain, a mess of color beyond Chan-ho's slumped figure. Young-soo's hands were on him as soon as he could reach him, kneeling down to the other boy's level, trying to get a good look. "Look at me--god, you're an idiot," he whispered, half throwing his arms around Chan-ho's frame, or as much of him as he could gather. The smell of alcohol hit him. "A fucking idiot..."



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/11/2018 4:26 AM

Chan-ho didn't even register the rain at first, barely registered the figure that thundered up the steps toward him. It was blurry, barely the shape of a man--- he blinked, and it resolved itself into Young-soo. He did laugh now, the sound of it choking and strangled. Of all the people to hallucinate.

"Come here to yell at me?" he said, his words slurred by the drink. He turned away, because it hurt to look at Young-soo, even if this Young-soo wasn't real. Something in Chan-ho's chest had seized at the sight of him, a warmth that was almost painful. Despite everything. It was too much to bear.

He was reaching with clumsy fingers toward the bottle again, frowning in concentration as it swayed away from him, when the world tilted and he found himself being seized by the shoulders for the second time that day. Hands--- warm hands, burning like brands against his skin through the too-thin cloth of his shirt. For a moment, he struggled. "No," he said, "don't---" But then he was being enveloped in that warmth, and--- and it was raining. It was raining. He stared up at the sky, greyish-orange-black, and let the raindrops fill his eyes, caressing his face as they trailed down his forehead, his cheeks, his chin.

You're an idiot.

No, no, no, no, no.

He shoved Young-soo back, feebly at first but then with force, his hands lingering on Young-soo's arms as he tried to focus on the features of the boy before him. Young-soo. Young-soo. Here.

For a moment, he couldn't do more than stare. Something--- Something was welling up, hot and heady and--- and sick. He needed--- No. But Young-soo was here, and--- and---

Chan-ho pitched forward, his movements sloppy, like a puppet with its strings half cut. One of his legs knocked over the bottle. It spilled its contents as it rolled across the path, but he didn't care. His eyes were wide in the dark, searching; he crawled forward on his knees, lifting one hand and then another, to grab at Young-soo's sleeves. His collar. His neck. Pulling him closer. Bringing their mouths together.

He pulled away, but only by the barest fraction of space, his breathing suddenly hitched and ragged. "Fuck me," he said breathlessly. "Please, just---"
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