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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/14/2018 3:34 AM

Chan-ho didn't move as Young-soo approached, but only because there was nowhere left for him to go. He knew he was being pathetic. This wasn't the Chan-ho that anyone wanted to see, sniveling and ugly and feeling miserable for himself. A part of him wanted to start trying to make excuses, but it had never worked in the past. All he could do was hold his breath and wait for it to pass, so that at least he could muffle the sound of his own crying.

At Young-soo's grimace, Chan-ho's heart leaped into his throat, and he braced himself for the worst. He was... surprised when it didn't come, though he didn't fully relax, his brain scrambling to pick apart the words and rearrange them, looking for the trap. Young-soo said he was safe, but was he really? He didn't know what he wanted, or dared, to believe.

But... Young-soo was still here. Young-soo had seen just how wretched Chan-ho had become, and he was still standing beside the bed, handing Chan-ho tissues and talking to him.

Chan-ho took a deep breath.

"I.. haven't been up for---" A hiccup interrupted his words, and his face flushed still hotter. "Not that long." He paused, bracing himself for what he was about to say next. Every nerve in him was screaming against it, but he had admitted to himself already that he wanted to right things between himself and Young-soo if he could, however fractionally. Even if he was going to be kicked out of KUN-A... and even if Young-soo wanted to wash his hands of Chan-ho afterwards. The thought of that made his spine run cold with panic, so he forced the words out before his nerve could desert him again. "You said--- You said you wanted to... talk. Before." He stared at the tissues, running one between his thumb and forefinger, his other arm still wrapped around his drawn-up knees. "What did you want to talk about?"
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/14/2018 3:57 AM

Young-soo blinked, his brows raising in surprise as he looked at Chan-ho. Calm enough to ask questions--that was good. But Young-soo could hear the tremor in the boy's voice, could see his feral posture, and knew that he needed to go slow. "Is... is now really an okay time?" he began, blinking a second time and glancing at the tissues he'd left. He rubbed a finger under his nose and nodded, deciding to take the lower half of the bed, since Chan-ho wasn't taking it up. He sat down on the end of the bed, drawing his legs up to cross, leaning his back against the wall. "Um... alright... yeah. So mostly it's... it's about. Us."

He paused, glancing sideways to gauge Chan-ho's reaction to that, then continued. "And about how I feel, and about... well, what to do about it, I-I suppose." His voice had weakened into a stammer, but he didn't feel so much shame as a kind of vulnerable embarrassment. His fingers laced in his lap, brows furrowing a little. "And maybe that's... lame or dumb of me, but... I'm. Not used to the whole 'feelings' thing in general. So. I-I just... wanna talk, is all. Um."

He took a deep breath in, and looked at Chan-ho, shifting his body so that he could face the other boy head-on. "I don't... know how clear I made it, but... in that time before that, uh, 'real date,' when I was avoiding you--sorry about that, by the way--anyway, avoiding you, it was out of... like, anger, at first. And embarrassment. Because fuck, man, that was a crazy prank and I'm still a little ticked about it," he said this with a smile, sheepish, clearly partially joking, his tone lighter than before. He sobered up a bit, clearing his throat. "But after that faded, it was because... I... well, I realized that I was. Um." Warmth collected in his face, and he rubbed a hand against his cheek, breaking eye contact for a brief moment. "Gosh, I'm bad at this. Hang on..."



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/14/2018 4:46 AM

"Us... right," said Chan-ho. He tried not to put too much hope into the fact that Young-soo seemed to think there was still an 'us' to talk about. He listened in silence, or at least as much silence as he could manage, as Young-soo spoke. The words stirred up a mix of emotions in him that he couldn't begin to untangle, but they also offered a welcome distraction, something to concentrate on that wasn't the way his own body was seemingly fighting his every whim. His breath steadied, and the hiccups abated.

Chan-ho's eyes widened as Young-soo averted his gaze. Something warm was stirring in the pit of his stomach, though Chan-ho fought to suppress it as much as he could. It was too much to hope for that Young-soo would still feel the same after all this... and after what Chan-ho had to tell him.

"You, um... You should probably..." He dug his nails into his hand, crumpling the tissue he'd been playing with. He couldn't be a coward about this. Young-soo... Young-soo deserved to know. Even though Chan-ho couldn't imagine anyone he wanted less to look at him with the cold gaze of contempt, Young-soo needed to know.

He breathed in and out, slowly. "Do you... remember when I said there's no 'me' to love? And you said... You said there was no 'me' at all." The memory of it hurt, but Chan-ho pushed past it. He closed his eyes. He felt sick, just as sick as yesterday if not worse, but there was a strange calm in the midst of it, like the eye of a storm. Maybe it was because he knew it was already too late to go back. The only thing he could do was dig himself deeper now. "You're half right. Or mostly right, actually. The Lee Chan-ho from KUN-A, whose parents are working abroad... That was a lie. The chairman made that part up about my parents. I don't know who..." He had to stop there, and breathe again, center himself to speak the words out loud. "I don't know who my parents are.

"They... found me in an alleyway when I was a baby. We don't know when my real birthday is, or who left me there. I grew up in a big orphanage... Not too far from that place I took you to, actually. I found it once when I was trying to run away."
He smiled, a wry twist of the lips, not at all like his usual sunny grin. "I didn't get very far. I got scared about where I would go, and what I would do. It was easier to go back to the orphanage, even if I hated it. That was where gutter trash like me belonged anyway." He spoke the words offhandedly, as if it was just a matter of fact, but his voice still caught on the word 'trash'.

He opened his eyes, but only to glance at the ceiling, the memories coming back to him as he spoke. The filter of nostalgia softened their edges, but there wasn't much to feel wistful about. "I got adopted once, when I was five. I was so excited because usually they don't take kids that old, you know? Everyone wants a cute baby." He remembered bragging to everyone about it, and daydreaming about going to a real school, and eating a home-cooked meal every night. "They had me for a month. I kept wetting the bed, and their real son said I was disgusting because I would hide all this food in my room. I cried whenever they yelled at me..." He bit his lip, shifting slightly. The cramped position was starting to numb his legs so he stretched them out, just slightly. "They sent me back. Said I was a problem child, and I made their family look bad. And then no one really looked at me again, and all the other kids made fun of me for bragging before."

He shook his head slowly. It still hurt, but that felt like the least of his problems now. "I'm sorry about everything," he said quietly. "I don't... I was scared, I guess. I'm lying so much all the time, and I didn't want you to find out that the real me was like this... A terrified good-for-nothing. And I couldn't stand the thought of being told that someone loved me, because it felt like everything I couldn't have was being thrown in my face." He laughed weakly, little more than a half-hearted huff of air. "It didn't work. You found out anyway, and I couldn't stop thinking about you, no matter how hard I tried or how many guys I screwed. It... drove me crazy."

Chan-ho turned his head to look at Young-soo then, but in the end he couldn't stop himself from glancing immediately away. "I guess this is kind of anti-climactic, but... If you want to get mad, or--- or whatever it is you want to say. Or do. I won't run away this time. I know I was the one who screwed it up. All of it."
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/14/2018 5:01 AM

When Chan-ho started talking, Young-soo looked up. He was about to respond, to apologize for what he'd said the other night, but the deluge of information suddenly rushing out of Chan-ho was enough to silence him, to straighten his spine. To make him listen.

And he let Chan-ho speak. Didn't interrupt him until he'd finally trailed off, tried his damnedest to keep his facial expressions neutral, but he couldn't help the flickers of pain, of surprise, of the need to comfort but the refusal to talk over the other boy. He had no idea... he truly, truly had no idea, about any of this. It occurred to him that Chan-ho never had talked much about his family... but then, neither had Young-soo. He stared down at his hands for a moment, when Chan-ho had finally cut his eyes away and ended his story, his mind working circles around the revelation he'd been given.

He finally realized, after a long moment of silence, that this changed nothing. It didn't change a thing about the way he felt about the boy in front of him.

Regardless, he was startled when he felt his throat tighten, felt wetness well in his eyes. He blinked slowly, bringing a wrist up to wipe at them, then looked up at Chan-ho with a soft, earnest purpose in his eyes. "If you won't run away..." He paused, then shuffled ever so slightly closer, his knees bumping Chan-ho's feet where he'd straightened out a bit. He swallowed, then barely opened his arms, inviting but ready to close at the slightest refusal. "Can I just... hug you?"



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/14/2018 5:27 AM

"Wait, are you... Why are you crying?" Chan-ho frowned in concern, worried that he had upset Young-soo somehow in a way he hadn't even anticipated. He half started towards Young-soo, one hand lifted as if to reach to Young-soo's face, but then he checked himself, and lowered his arm with a conflicted expression.

When Young-soo finally spoke his question, Chan-ho blinked, confusion clouding his features. Of all the things he expected Young-soo to say, that hadn't been it. The first word out of his mouth was a genuinely baffled, "Why?" He'd braced himself for... sharp words, a lecture, maybe even blows, if it came to that. After that, somehow it felt almost like a let-down, actually. Too good to be true.

He smiled weakly. "I mean... You can do whatever you want," he said. "I'm not Jae, you know? But you're not supposed to hug me, you're supposed to get mad, because I..." Because I fucked up. Because I hurt you. Because under everything I'm just the kid someone threw away, and you know that now, so there's nothing stopping you. Is there? Even a week ago, Chan-ho couldn't have imagined actually advocating for anyone to mete out punishment to himself, but now he couldn't picture himself doing anything less. Because Young-soo deserved better.

He knew as he thought it that it was true--- Young-soo deserved better than Chan-ho could give him, and he certainly deserved better than to let everything be swept under the rug, easy as that. It ought to have been Chan-ho making things up to him, not Young-soo trying to offer comfort. Nevermind how strange it was that Young-soo still wanted anything to do with him.
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/14/2018 5:42 PM

Young-soo's expression flickered with confusion as Chan-ho dithered, before a kind of wry, but soft smile spread over his face. "No one's... supposed to do anything," he murmured, and after a moment of quiet, he shifted forward on hands and knees to shift beside Chan-ho and pull the boy into a hug, settling beside him and resting his chin on Chan-ho's shoulder. "I just want to, is all." He tightened his grip for a moment, just breathing in the faded smell of alcohol and antiseptic and his own bed, then let out the breath in a quiet sigh. "I can't help the way I feel," he began, cheek brushing the side of Chan-ho's neck as he lifted his head to look the other boy in the eyes. "And there are days... plenty of days, where you drive me absolutely fucking nuts."

His mouth quirked into a smile, something like adoration flickering in his eyes, a sudden wave of sentimentality. "But I've... pretty much always loved you. Y'know, just... being around you. On our first day as trainees together I thought you were so damn cool," he mumbled, a laugh in his voice as he dropped his gaze to Chan-ho's chest, hands still trailing the other boy's arms, ready to pull him back in again if he showed signs of wanting it. "Now I see you can definitely be super lame. Just like me." He shrugged his shoulders, the smile still on his face as his thumb rubbed a delicate, but grounding circle into the bend of Chan-ho's arm. "And... y'know, I really have thought hard about it. As much hard thinking as someone can do when we're constantly being carted around to shows and whatnot. I... I really do think that... despite everything, I still feel the same way. I still feel like you're one of my best friends. And yeah we... we hurt each other. Sucks... but... I know shit's hard sometimes. When it happens, we can just. Talk. Like this, y'know?" He sniffed to fill the silence after his sentence, rubbing at his nose with his other hand.

"What I'm trying to say is, that's how I feel. That... that night, in the hotel, that meant... that meant a lot to me. Like, more than I could put into words, a-actually. You're just amazing, and I hadn't... I hadn't had any expectations or anything but just being able to hold you was a fucking dream." His voice broke up with an embarrassed laugh, but the earnestness in his words was palpable. He stared at a wrinkle in Chan-ho's collar, before he groaned slightly, pitching forward and pressing his forehead to Chan-ho's shoulder. "I admit it, okay. I admit it out loud. I am super fucking gay for my best friend, and bad decision or not, I..." He tensed, then raised his head suddenly, his hair mussed and flyaway from where he'd pressed it, face flushed red with embarrassment and determination. "I-I want to date you, Chan-ho. I really, r-really wanna date you!"



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/14/2018 9:42 PM

Chan-ho had known, sort of, that the hug was coming, but he still jumped slightly as Young-soo's arms closed around him. He hated himself for it. He really wasn't usually like this, and--- and he didn't want Young-soo to think that he didn't want this. It was more that he was afraid of wanting too much, and it still felt as though it wasn't really happening, that at any moment it might turn out to be a dream or that Young-soo would wise up and think better of it. Young-soo's weight against him was gratifyingly solid, and hesitantly, Chan-ho brought his own hands up, grasping at the fabric of the back of Young-soo's shirt.

He laughed when Young-soo called him lame, but it was a nervous one. "See, you don't really---" he began, but he quieted as Young-soo traced a shape against his arm. Young-soo's voice was so close; Chan-ho could feel it reverberating where their chests were pressed together.

The more Young-soo said, the hotter Chan-ho's face grew. That strange butterflies feeling swelled until it was almost unbearable. He had promised himself he wasn't going to cry again, but it was too much--- the mix of relief and hope and anxious trepidation. "Give me a break, you're killing me here," he said helplessly, his words barely more than a whisper. And then--- And then---

And then Young-soo backed up just a little, to stare him right in the eye, blurting that confession. And Chan-ho could only stare at him, stupefied, ears burning and teary-eyed.
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/14/2018 11:06 PM

Young-soo stared back at Chan-ho for a few seconds, his grip still and a little too tight now on Chan-ho's arms as the silence between them stretched on. He felt his heartbeat in the back of his throat, feeling as though it would explode out his mouth if one more second passed. He exhaled, suddenly, cheeks puffing slightly with the effort of blowing air out as he ducked his head. "Yikes, I'm... I'm sorry. Okay. Okay--I know that was a lot. I know... I'm a lot, right now, b-but I really... I really mean it. A-and if you don't want to, I mean, that's also fine! Just saying it makes me feel a lot better and I'm honestly not even sad, even if you say no, I mean, it'd make sense, I'm sure it's hard for idols to date what with the rules a-and such but damn it I still wanna... try..."

Young-soo trailed off, bangs hanging in his face, before he cleared his throat quietly and pushed his hair away to peek up at Chan-ho, his face an impossible shade of red. "Y-you good, man?" he croaked out, a weak half-smile tugging at his mouth.



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/14/2018 11:25 PM

By the time Chan-ho came back to himself, Young-soo was already apologizing. Chan-ho's heart ached at the sight of him so crestfallen, and he opened his mouth to speak, to tell Young-soo that he was wrong, that wasn't it, Chan-ho was the one who... But the words stuck in his throat and he couldn't get them out fast enough, couldn't get them out at all.

Young-soo's final, soft question was the same one he'd asked after they slept together in the love hotel, ages and ages ago. At least, it felt like that was how long it had been. Chan-ho laughed again, strangled, and shook his head. Giving up, he buried his face against Young-soo's neck, drawing him in closer, hugging him so hard it hurt. "I'm not okay," he whispered. "And it's your fault, so I guess you're just going to have to stay with me until..." He couldn't bring himself to say any more. The thought of beginning was terrifying, but the thought of everything ending was even worse. "Date me," he said instead. "If you really want to, then... Really, really date me."
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/15/2018 2:53 AM

What... what was Chan-ho saying...? Young-soo's eyes widened, lowering his hand from his face with a growing look of awe in his eyes as Chan-ho pressed close to him. "Y...y-you're--really?" Young-soo whispered, his voice a bit shaky as he stared at Chan-ho's head in his peripheral, arms going around the other boy's torso. It felt like Chan-ho was squeezing the life out of him and he couldn't be happier, returning the pressure with a bear hug of his own, gathering as much of the other boy into his arms as he could and burying his face in Chan-ho's hair.

"Oh my god," he breathed, warmth radiating from his voice."I-I will. I will, Chan-ho!" he laughed, finding himself, finding his humor, and a small devilish thought touched his mind, dropping his voice low to the best seduction he could muster. "I'm gonna date your ass so... so fucking hard, tonight, baby," in all honesty Young-soo had only gotten about the first two thirds of that sentence out before he'd dissolved into laughter, unable to be serious in the slightest.

He rocked them both back and forth ever so slightly, swaying with the other boy, and after a moment he pressed a kiss to Chan-ho's temple, breath stirring his hair. He pressed another, then another, peppering the side of Chan-ho's face with soft kisses, before he finally cut off with an embarrassed huff of air. "I-I'm just really happy right now," he mumbled, grinning against Chan-ho's cheek. "Thanks for... for hearing me out. It means a lot to me." He opened his eyes for a moment expression softening. "You mean a lot to me."



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby crow » 02/15/2018 3:24 AM

Chan-ho couldn't help but snort at what Young-soo said. "Wh-What the hell," he said, his words half swallowed up with laughter. And then he found that he couldn't stop laughing as Young-soo peppered his face with kisses; it welled up from deep within his chest, like happiness. He was stunned--- incredulous--- and embarrassed as hell, but he was happy. It was so far gone from where he had been... what, eight hours ago? He hardly knew what to do with himself except to laugh, and to cling to Young-soo for dear life. "Me too," he said. "I think I might love you, or whatever."

By some coincidence he was turned toward the door when he opened his eyes, and--- Chan-ho paused, blinking. Did he imagine it, or did he just see...?

"Ah, we got caught," came a soft voice from the door. He recognized that voice. As he scrambled to his knees, hands falling away from Young-soo, he could hear the urgent patter of feet on the hardwood floor, accompanied by several overlapping whispered expletives. Clearly the rest of their members were back from wherever it was they had gone to. Chan-ho threw open the door to find TK still crouched in front of it. TK looked up at him, wearing the same sedate, vaguely sleepy expression he always had. "I'm too full to run," he said.

Chan-ho pulled him into a chokehold and scrubbed his knuckles into TK's scalp. "Ah, hyung!" TK protested, flailing uselessly.

"Thought you'd spy on us, huh? That's what you get," said Chan-ho. To the rest of the boys, who were obviously hiding in the closet, he said it again, louder. "Come and get it, you nosy ajummas!" There was no reply, but someone threw a shoe at him from within the closet depths. It flew wide, and smacked into the wall beside him.

Chan-ho was grinning, despite himself. And when he let TK go, he was surprised to see that TK was smiling too. "Hyung's secret alien double got beat up and sent home, didn't it?" he said. Then his smile fell away, and he wrinkled his nose. "Real hyung needs a shower though."

"That I do," said Chan-ho. He couldn't deny that one. Ruffling TK's hair, he said, "I'll see you in a bit then." TK nodded and bustled off into the room, to rearrange the collection of bunny dolls on the shelf beside his bed.

Chan-ho's gaze drifted to Young-soo, and he smiled a quiet, lopsided smile. "And I guess I'll see you too... later." It wasn't a particularly strange thing to say to his own member, but the words held the promise of so much more, now. Even saying them out loud left a light, giddy feeling in his chest. He didn't want to dwell on it too long, for fear of somehow breaking it if he thought about it too hard, but maybe, just maybe... Maybe he could let himself believe that it might work out this time.
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Re: Second Confession [P; L, S]

Postby zapdragon555 » 02/15/2018 4:10 AM

Young-soo nuzzled his forehead into Chan-ho's hair, laughing along with the other boy, his heartbeat light and airy and pressed against Chan-ho's laughter-jumping chest. Oh, what a feeling--it was nothing like he'd expected and far beyond it all the same, though he'd only have the brainspace to reflect on it after the fact. "Or whatever," he whispered, affectionate, a chuckle tickling his voice as he pressed one more lasting kiss to Chan-ho's forehead. "I think I love you t--"

He cut off when Chan-ho suddenly let go of him and rushed to the door, his eyes wide, hands hovering slightly where Chan-ho had been moments ago. "What are you--"

Was that... TK's voice? Young-soo's face blazed red with embarrassment, stunned, realizing that the others must have heard... well, close to everything. Young-soo stumbled out of bed, fighting the urge to just cover up and hide from the world for a second, but the happiness in his heart was still lingering, and seeing Chan-ho muss up TK's hair so playfully brought a grin to his face. "You fuckers have some explaining to do," Young-soo cackled, rushing over to the closet, cursing with a surprised laugh at the shoe that came flying out.

"We could say the same about you two!" Nathan chirped from inside, his face poking out with a sheepish grin. "Kidding... geez, I think I'm dense though. I had no idea."

"Yeah, you are dense--no offense," Ji-sung added in with a grin, swath of lavender hair sticking out of the closet, finally emerging fully to give a warm smile to the two boys. "It's about time."

Young-soo wasn't sure how to take that, if he was honest, but he found himself grinning sheepishly all the same. "Alright, alright... enough," he murmured, giving an uncharacteristic pat to Ji-sung's head and a playful middle finger to Nathan, who stuck out his tongue and went back into the closet. Inside was a muffled yelp from Min-hyuk, and a wincing 'that was my foot' from him, followed by a hurried apology from Nathan.

At TK's suggestion for Chan-ho to shower, Young-soo realized that Chan-ho hadn't taken one since the previous night. Obviously. Somehow he'd forgotten it, despite the smell he could now sense emanating from Chan-ho. Love did some crazy things, apparently--like masking distinctly bad smells. Young-soo grinned and nudged Chan-ho's shoulder softly with his own, lingering there for a few moments before tilting his head towards the bathroom. "Yeah. Get clean, stinky," he murmured, rubbing at his nose with a sheepish look in his eyes.

Ji-sung's expression shifted into something devious, and he gave Young-soo's back a nudge, making him tip forward slightly in surprise. He caught himself, falling into a final kiss on Chan-ho's cheek, his face burning with embarrassment. "Y-you little..." Young-soo muttered, whirling around to stare at Ji-sung, who gave him the biggest grin and thumbs-up that Young-soo forgot to be annoyed. He looked back at Chan-ho, then smiled, his whole body slackening with the weight and warmth of everything that had happened--truly, everything. The anger, the laughter, the love, the loss, the crushing, crushing loss, and once more, the love. He felt exhausted, but found himself unable to stop smiling at the boy in front of him.

"Yeah. I'll see you later, man."



But there will come a time
You'll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart
But dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see
What you find there
With grace in your heart
And flowers in your hair



"Tomorrow will be a good day."


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zapdragon555
Will Draw For Food
Will Draw For Food
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Joined: 02/24/2009 11:10 PM
Location: "I mean... for me, I could love someone even if I, you know, wasn't paid for it...
Status: I love you, and... and you don't pay me."

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