[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

One, two, three, four thought Orion to himself as he measured his steps, dancing around the stage. His practice time - four hours every evening - was never disturbed, and he was grateful for it now as he counted his steps and danced his dance to distract himself from his thoughts.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

Orion mis-timed his step and growled. His partner had finally chosen to leave their troupe. He had been thinking about it for a while, but Orion had never considered that he would actually go through with it; the circus was their home, their livelihood, and to leave meant leaving behind everything and everyone they had ever cared about.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

He had been hurt by his partner's admission, and things had been stilted between them from then on; he frowned as he thought about how cold he had been, but he couldn't help himself - it felt like he was being left behind and abandoned, and it hurt more coming from him.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

Orion had never expected to feel so strongly for another man; he had been taken aback by the feelings that surged in his chest when the other man had smiled at him just so, or the way his skin tingled when they touched during their acrobatic displays in the ring - a touch he missed, especially during practices like this.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

He missed another step and shook his head; it had just fallen together so smoothly, so seamlessly, that he hadn't expected it would ever fall apart and it had been a devastating blow to receive. He had been so happy, he had even been considering making their arrangement a permanent, and public, one.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

He winced as he remembered that day, still so fresh and clear in his mind. It had been after the show, when the big top was clear and empty and the rumble of the guests had finally cleared to leave silence behind it. He had been sitting on a bench, deep in thought while looking into the ring.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

"Do you ever long for more?" he had asked; Orion's heart ached remembering, as it had meant something quite different to him. He had been willing to let go of the stolen glances and secret kisses, had been willing to stand proud beside this man, make him his mate if he so wished - but that had not been the case.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

Orion paused his dancing for a moment, looking over at the bench where they had sat. "I want more" he had said, reaching out with a shy smile to take the other man's hand, but he had only sighed and nodded his head, looking away into the distance at something that wasn't there.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

"What is it... that you want?" He remembered how his voice had trembled, asking the question that had tipped his world on its edge, the one that had shattered his heart. He had been ready to promise himself and everything he had or would be, and it hadn't been enough.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

Orion wiped his eye with the back of his hand, willing the tears to recede. Being told that he wasn't enough - that it had been wonderful but his partner had wanted to experience a world with no shows and no big top tent and no travelling to where someone else dictated, and that world didn't include Orion.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

He choked back a sob, remembering how kindly he had smiled with his steady blue gaze, as if that would lessen the blow of his words. Orion had been too shocked to do anything other than stare, as his partner stood and patted his shoulder before making his way to the caravans.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

Orion grimaced as the realisation hit him; his partner had chosen to stay in his own caravan that night, a place where he hadn't slept since the two of them began their arrangement. He silently wished that they had at least called it something definitive, though the thought that that may have hurt more terrified him.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

He picked up his hoop and began to spin it as his mind wandered; he remembered how he had gone to his caravan the next morning, eager to patch things up until he saw that he was already making preparations for leaving. He hadn't stayed, being too angry and hurt.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

He wondered, idly, if it would have made any difference if they had remained only friends instead of taking it as far as they had. Perhaps it would have hurt him a bit less, perhaps it wouldn't have mattered at all - it still would have felt like he was being left behind.

[ToxxicRenegadeAngel]

He dropped the hoop, and crumpled to the ground in a heap, too lost in his thoughts to continue practising. His routine was made for two, and only doing the parts that he could do on his own didn't make for much of a show - and doing the tricks for two was downright dangerous.