[MythicDusk]

Rexus was taken aback for a moment. A single moment, his heart thundered, thinking that he was leaving again. That he had broken what he had said. It wasn't a vow, it wasn't a promise, he wasn't allowed to be up-

Oh.

Oh...

Rexus couldn't help but grin at his own worries. His silent laugh clicking through his throat before he nodded gently, reaching up to gently touch Atlas' hand under his chin.

He didn't quite understand why Atlas had to ask, in all honesty.

[Mousen]

Atlas leaned in until their lips met, kissing him slowly, gently. His hands cupped the sides of Rexus' face, then lingered on his shoulders as he pulled away. Maybe he was screwing with his head more than he needed to, but the only parts of him that didn't want to be in this kitchen with Rexus were the ones that caused him more harm than they ever did good. He didn't need to listen to them anymore.

He moved to sit down again. "I'm-- you were just-- I couldn't help myself."

Atlas couldn't decide whether he was avoiding Rexus' eyes or not, he started to eat. "Just let me know, please, if I'm ever overstepping the mark. If I do something wrong."

[MythicDusk]

The only response that Rexus gave, that he could give, was by reaching over the table and brushing his fingers against Atlas' hand. Giving him a gentle smile of assurance. He could do no wrong.

Well, no, he could if he left again.

Rexus struggled to admit it but there was a burning coal in his gut, a coiling pool of anger not smothered by relief. He was still angry at Atlas, but the anger could wait. The anger could be talked through, could be straightened into gentle lines rather than the hot mess in his guts.

They could do this, if they tried.

[Mousen]

Atlas smiled, weaving his fingers through Rexus' for a moment before pulling away. "I'll do the washing up, if you like." Funny, last time they'd fallen into the same routine. Atlas felt an uncomfortable twitch of deja vu run down his spine. There was still a lot he had to make up for.

There was something else, too. "Will you sit with me if I have a cigarette by the back door? You don't have to, I mean, I'm just a bit worried about," he gestured vaguely. "That whole thing." He hoped Rexus wasn't too averse, just, he hadn't planned on quitting just yet, and smoking while half hung out of the bathroom window seemed like it'd be difficult to pull off without him doing himself yet more damage. Still, needs must.

[MythicDusk]

Rexus shoved a piece of bacon into his mouth hungrily, stopping for a moment to blink at the questions that Atlas had posed.

He swallowed down the food in his mouth before he carefully dug a hand into his hard-working jeans that he still hadn't changed out of since yesterday. He pulled out a battered pack of cigarettes and a lighter that looked like it had been embedded in mud seventeen different times and grinned.

After a moment, his grin fell into something more wary, more reserved as he carefully wrote on the notepad that he brought everywhere with him.

'The smell of smoke reminded me of you.'

He swallowed hard as he pushed the paper across the table. In hindsight, it was almost stalker-ish.

[Mousen]

Atlas looked a little surprised, but matched Rexus' grin with one of his own. He hadn't known. Still, two people deciding to slowly injure their own health in the pursuit of temporary pleasures was better than one, or so he always said. He'd stabbed another bit of bacon with the end of his fork, when he noticed Rexus was writing something.

As he read, he blinked slowly a couple of times. The sadness and anger creeping up into shame as they blended together. Sadness for Rexus, anger for himself.

He tried for something more light-hearted than "I am the worst person I have ever met in my life and nothing will ever fix what I've done", instead opting for: "And here I was thinking I didn't smell of cigarettes," but it sounded hollow even to him.

"Rexus, I-" What was he going to say? What could he say to turn a years worth of loneliness into anything other than the worst part of himself? "I'm so sorry."

Certainly not that.

[MythicDusk]

Rexus shook his head gently, smiling as he stood from the table, carrying his now empty plate to the sink and carefully placing it down. He walked back to the table, taking a seat and shyly playing with the pack of cigarettes.

He carefully plucked one out, placing it between his lips as he let his eyes hang half-lidded. He let the taste of the tobacco that leaked through the filter fill the air in his mouth, the smell of the tobacco so close sent a judder through his chest.

Even now, even with Atlas sitting across the table from him, the smell of cigarettes still took him back to that first kiss.

[Mousen]

There was no small part of Atlas that would have liked to have stared at Rexus until the world ended, another, larger part, horrified at what he'd created. Things had been easier when the only person who suffered through his bad decision-making skills were him. He grabbed his cigarettes and lighter from the pocket of his coat, still strewn across the sofa in the living room. He pushed open the back door with more than a little trepidation.

In the distance, there was a howl. He shuddered. "Let's make this quick."

In the fading light (no wonder Atlas didn't feel quite so dead, he must have slept for a good fifteen hours), there were things that the view out into the farmyard reminded him of.

It had been early morning, and he'd come out to watch Rexus sort out for the day. He'd smoked a cigarette, while Atlas made some disgruntled gesture about doing so. He'd laughed. Rexus had moved past him to go inside, brushing past him unnecessarily, he'd looked back, too. Atlas had stubbed out his cigarette and followed him inside.

The morning light had caught Rexus' eyelashes, his dark hair pushed back from his face. Atlas had made some throwaway comment, an excuse to get close. Rexus let him. His hands found the spot in his hair that made him melt, a practised motion, by that point. Rexus had smiled. Atlas leaned in, wrapping his arms around his neck. The world had been at rights for a brief moment.

When Atlas finally pulled away and they could bear to do anything else than stare at each other in surprise. Rexus had asked him to stay.

Atlas remembered how he'd winked, said "We'll see how things go,"

Atlas remembered walking away afterwards.

[MythicDusk]

It had been nearly a year, Rexus guessed. Nearly a year since he had brushed his lips over Atlas' ear, his rough, unsued tones practically begging him to stay. To fill the silence. To give him a reason to turn lights on.

Rexus brought the lighter to the end of the cigarette, taking a slow drag and letting air mix with the smoke as he dragged it into his lungs. Letting it sit heavy there for a moment. A deep, grey weight in his breast before he exhaled it. Only a faint trickle of smoke leaving his mouth.

He carefully licked his own lips, as if about to ask a question, watching the sky turn shades of pinks and oranges. He slowly closed his mouth again, instead settling for taking another drag, letting the taste of the smoke roll over his tongue and into his lungs before exhaling it.

He slowly looked out over the farm yard. He had sorted the animals while Atlas had been sleeping. The rooster was leading his gaggle of hens back into their coop, he could see his high, proud tail and his soft clucking as the hens marched behind him. He could hear a soft bleat of one of the new lambs, probably racing the others around the fields in their grand prix.

It was normal. It was fine. It was. Almost domestic.

Something dark and tight curled in Rexus' chest.

He knew Atlas would hate the domesticity. Rexus took another drag in silence, his eyes far away as he thought.

But maybe, if Atlas kept coming back, if every time he felt trapped, imprisoned by routine and the smell of sheep dip and fresh eggs. Maybe if Atlas kept coming back, even if he had gotten tired of him. He could live with that.

[Mousen]

Atlas lit up, his lighter a flash underneath the shadow of evening. Rexus was a picture, he thought, the other man looked like the sea, brooding there. His markings set him out in the dark, it took all he had to not close he distance between them, move his hands over them. He wasn't being fair, though. As much as Atlas wanted to cover over all the hurt, to give up on his own problems and just work on getting Rexus back to where he'd been, before Atlas had ruined things, it would not solve anything.

He did move closer, the movement of one of the farm animals out of the corner of his eye spooking him more than he realised. He smiled when he realised what it was. He was being ridiculous.

Leaving had hurt Rexus more than he'd ever be able to forgive himself for, and nearly killed him. It was damn time he started cleaning up after his messes. "I swear I'll stay," he said, exhaling a thin stream of smoke. "Even if it kills me. Everything I caused, and everything I did to try and get away from it, I can't."

[MythicDusk]

Rexus felt his breath hitch, his hands starting to shake again as tears welled in his bright, bright eyes. He brought the cigarette up to his lips and held it there as he continued to stare across the farm yard, his hands searching his pockets before he slowly let out an exhale of smoke.

He needed to say it, before he chickened out.

He let his eyes come back into focus as he blinked, his face contorting in emotional pain, his brow furrowing, his teeth bared, his eyes closing before he finally looked at Atlas.

"But what if you get bored of me?"

He let the question hang in the air for a moment, before sniffing and shaking his head, letting out a watery laugh, as if it didn't matter. As if his feelings didn't matter before he stubbed out his cigarette, leaning against the wall to wait for Atlas to go inside first.

[Mousen]

"My boredom is never going to be worth the same amount as your pain, Rexus," he almost surprised himself with the emphatic nature of his reply, the way it escaped before he'd had a chance to really consider what he meant. Watching Rexus get upset again was another punch to the gut, but self-inflicted, of course. All of this was self-inflicted.

"That," he said, "and I couldn't find you boring if I tried. Its never you, its never, ever me having a problem with you. Just, me not being able to handle myself. I've always been an idiot like that. And you've--you're-- I don't think I deserve any part of you." Atlas knew he was probably just making things worse, but he kept talking anyway.

He finished off most of the cigarette before heading inside.

[MythicDusk]

Rexus felt something in his chest break. He followed Atlas inside, his voice thick, hurting, pained and raw.

"Promise me, Atlas. Talk to me. No more fake promises. Jut tell me what you're thinking when you want to leave."

He sucked in a deep breath, his eyes screwing shut as his shoulders and arms shook at his sides.

"At least say goodbye when you do leave."

The last part was practically a shout. The loudest he had ever made his voice. His throat crackled and cracked on the last word, causing Rexus to take in a heady breath as he began coughing.

Gods, he hated talking. He hated using his voice. He hated the pain. He hated the pain in his throat and in his heart. Slowly, the coughing fit subsided and Atlas carefully filled a glass of water, still shaking a touch from the coughing fit as he carefully drank the water, letting it soothe his burning throat.

[Mousen]

Atlas looked like he'd just been slapped across the face. He froze like that a moment until he remembered why Rexus never spoke. His expression contorted, he was digging himself deeper but he couldn't stay away, he went to him. The cracking in his voice was painful to listen to, Atlas felt like he was being ripped apart. Perhaps, he thought, he'd been wrong in believing that running away again would kill them both (or, at least him). It seemed once was quite enough to do that.

As the coughing started, Atlas placed a hand on his back, soothing. Trying to be soothing. "Be careful, please. Please, please, please. Be careful." His voice was all tremors.  "Don't ever do that for me."

He watched Rexus get a glass of water and hovered by him. He took a step back to give him the space. "Do you want me to stay away from you tonight? I think I'm only causing you more damage and the swinging from one thing to another-- neither of us can bear it. I can't," he admitted. All the blood seemed to have vanished from his face, leaving him ashen.

[MythicDusk]

His throat was raw, his voice was cracking. Still, he shouted. He practically screamed.

"Promise me!"

His fingers dug into the counter top, leaving the knuckles white. His shoulders shook with unbidden sobs. Slowly, he stood up straight again, taking in a deep, soothing breath before turning to Atlas. Moving his hands slowly. Purposefully. Hoping Atlas would understand even a fraction of his signing.

'I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be this upset a year later. I don't want you to stay away, but I want you to understand why I'm angry, why I'm hurt. I was only abandoned once before. And I know you didn't mean-' He stopped himself from continuing the sign, anxiety compressing his chest before he took in another breath through his teeth. Meaning and action were two different things.

'It felt like you had abandoned me. That I wasn't enough. I'm terrified of not being enough.' His hands shook, tears springing in his eyes again before he bit them back.

'I don't want you to live a life that you hate for me.'

He paused, his hands shaking.

'But I still want you to live a life with me. I still want to be enough.'