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@@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:25 AM

Little girls seem to feel the need to be heard. They seem to feel the need to feel unheard. For have you ever met a child who thought that they had a voice?
Yeah, that's right. So sit down. Take a fucking seat and listen, for once in your goddamned life. Because this child here... Well, she hasn't been through a lot, but what she has been through matters to her. When you leave, you will leave unchanged.
But, for once, she doesn't care.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:30 AM

Image

I'm taking my diary out of my closet tonight. I'm not showing it to the world, I'm not reading it at the top of my lungs, but I'm reading it to you. And you are in control of your own world. It's you who will make the choice to take my words to heart or to toss them out of the fucking window. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me which option you take. I'll let you do what you will if you will let me do what I will. Live and let live; cut and let cut.
That is the mantra of my world.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:32 AM

Psychology.//

Ever since I was a little girl, I've known that there's something wrong with me. The first thing that I remember doing is kind of strange... But, hell, all of this shit is. Isn't that why it's here?
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:34 AM

No...
It's all here so that I don't have to repeat it the next time somebody asks me what's wrong with me. There's so much shit that I've done, it'd take hours to lay it all out. And it would be awful to only be able to tell half of my story before they had to leave, because that would give them more time to judge me.
I know they'll judge me.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:35 AM

Really. I do.
But it's all so humiliating. Especially without reason.
So there.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:37 AM

The first thing that I remember doing to myself is "equalizing".
I'd say that's what I like to call it, but the affection isn't there.
Basically, it's doing to one side of my body what was done to the other. I'd crawl around on the floor being purposefully rough so that I'd have the same number of bruises and cuts on both of my legs. In the car, I'd pretend that my fingers were spiders and "walk" them on my arms and legs, pressing my nails into the skin, sometimes until I bled.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:38 AM

A child. A baby. A little girl, not even old enough to go to school.
And, all the same, a little girl who already knew what little worth her own well-being held.
But you don't fucking care.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:40 AM

Of course you don't.
She means nothing to you. I mean nothing to you. Just another wallflower. Another shadow, flitting across the walls of time.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:42 AM

Perhaps less than a shadow. Who am I to say? I knew then what I meant to everyone else. That hasn't changed. Even though there are some people who delude themselves into thinking that they can make a fucking difference, I know better.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:44 AM

Oh, god...
If you're this far, please be sure that you have enough time to read the whole thing. I can tell you right now that it's long...
Please. Stop now if you don't plan on reading the whole thing.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:45 AM

I really wish you'd read it. I really wish you'd understand. Please. Be the first one. I'll take back what I said; you can make a difference in my world, promise.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:47 AM

...Equalizing. I'm not obsessed with symmetry or anything.
Actually, asymmetry is more aesthetically pleasing. It's just that I blamed my left side for all the bad things that happened to my right. It was always the fault of the left, just like it's always the fault of the sister today.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:50 AM

Mostly it was the hands that got to be in charge. The right, by way of "law", would hold some sort of ceremony and copy its wounds onto the left. Then the left side would retaliate out of anger and hurt the right side. On and on it went, until maybe 2nd or 3rd grade.
...At least now I'm not so uppity with my punishment.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:57 AM

I started doing that around the age of four, by the way. Before I had ever seen the inside of a school. Before I'd ever made friends on my own. When all I had was me... And the people inside of me.
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Re: @@ Diaries [Let's just say E]

Postby Chayden » 08/04/2011 2:59 AM

My struggle with multiple personalities began then, too. Not the little people on your shoulders.
That's just ridiculous.
My personalities are like layers in my brain, and they fluctuate from day to day. Sometimes I see them as colors; other times it's like a room full of girls with my face.
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