[Chayden]

Don't listen to those disgusting little emos. They don't tell stories. If you let them, they will brainwash you. They will only tell lies. The are a part of the mask of lies that we wear - I wear - constantly, every day, to keep you away.

[Chayden]

In ninth grade, I cut myself for the first time. Sort of. I held the blade of the knife in the palm of my hand and squeezed... But I couldn't do it. I couldn't.

[Chayden]

I was scared.
I knew that I needed to punish myself, to save the better people from the trouble... But I couldn't do it.  I was too afraid of the pain, of the blood. I didn't know what kind of mess I was setting myself up to clean, to hide away.

[Chayden]

So I used my nails. At least it hurt less... Or, at least that's what I told myself.
And now the proof of the punishment was at the tip of my own fingertips. No one else would have to wash it away.

[Chayden]

It wasn't an "escape" from my emotional problems like it is for some people. It wasn't an adrenaline rush... No, that's a lie. I laughed when I was done, I laughed as I cried. And when I went upstairs, I was asked why I was happy.

[Chayden]

It was just something that needed to be done.
That first day, I had six cuts. Three on my right hand, two on my left, and one down my right arm. Every single person who saw them assumed that Clyde scratched me while he was playing. Kittens are notorious for that, and my cat is a bitch.

[Chayden]

...But no. You guys are wrong. It was me. I did it.
...Do you care?

[Chayden]

Would it even make a difference if you did?
No, probably not. Because nobody cares if a fat fucking nobody bleeds a little bit more than anyone else. And fat fucking nobodies don't give shits about what anyone else thinks. They've adapted to the cruelty.

[Chayden]

Actually, I probably bleed less, even with my new cuts.
And the drops of blood that keep showing up on my carpet.
It's much more painful, but I get my period for only three days and two nights now. It's because I don't eat. My stupid, selfish body doesn't want to give up the nutrients that a child needs to grow.

[Chayden]

It wastes them on me... And I really wish it wouldn't. It's just adding to the list of things that I've got but should never have.
Hey... Why do people lie to me?

[Chayden]

Why do you tell me that I'm skinny? Or beautiful? I want it... I want it so badly...
But why do you say that you want to be like me?

[Chayden]

You have no idea what that means! Trust me. You don't want it like I've got it. You don't want all of my rules. You don't want all of my punishments.

[Chayden]

Honestly, if you believe one thing that I say in my entire life... Sorry that my writing is so bad. I'm shaking. I don't want to die. I don't want to die!

[Chayden]

I just want to fix things that have been broken for too long. I'm just not good enough. SO I'll be punished until I am good enough...
There's five of them. Five punishments that I have to do for myself: a, b, c, d and e.

[Chayden]

Cut yourself.
Tell a secret.
Don't second guess yourself.
Pinch yourself every time you hear your name
Live in silence.