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[* Contest #16: Judging

Postby Omnisearch » 04/03/2011 3:00 AM

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Greetings. After a long judging process, the results of this contest have finally reached my hands. Those who were judged worthy will have their wish granted for a breeding room, a family, and for children of their very own. Were your efforts enough? Was your story engaging enough? Were your characters believable? It all boils down to countless factors...

Here is how we are going to proceed: we will start by category, starting with Kuhnas, Lucain, and then finally, Paragons.
For each entry of every category, you will receive a personal opinion from every judge. The judges are kept anonymous; some opinions may be harsher than others, and I do not wish for the judges to be targeted. However, you are free to ask for explanations if you are not satisfied with the judging; whether you win or lose does not matter. If you want an explanation, feel free to ask the judge in question; you may want to ask why they didn't like your entry, how they reached certain conclusions, and any other question that may be bothering you after reading the results. At heart, please remain civil. Writing is, ultimately, a form of art, and art is always extremely difficult to criticize.

The opinions themselves do not determine whether you win or you lose. After all the opinions of each category, you will find a grade that determines whether the entry has won or lost. Since every category has 3 judges, the grading is as follows:
A grading range from 0 to 1 — with everything in-between; where 1.55 and above is a win, and 1.50 and below is a lost. Each judge submitted a grade of their own, for a maximum of 3/3 per entry. Thus, 1.55/3 is a majority win; if the majority has liked your entry, then obviously, you must be worthy.

For those who will, indeed, win a room: your room type and number will be indicated, if necessary. Once you know your room type and number, you can start your room whenever you want. It would be unfortunate for the winners to lose their prize because of this contest ending at an inappropriate time for them. Records will be kept here, so whenever you are ready, you can start your room. Please keep in mind, however, that these rooms still work under the regular rules. My powers can only influence things so much; you still have 5 days to complete your room, with a 2-day extension if need be.

Without further ado, let me present to you the results of this contest...


~~*~~


.: Kuhna Entries :.


Entry #1: NatureGirl
Keira x Maikel

Judge 1:
Overall, I thought the short story was really sweet. Simple and without any superfluous descriptions or drawn out scenes. I liked the simplicity of the pairing.

What I did notice was that the pacing a little too fast. They might know each other already, but a little backstory for the readers would've given us a better idea of where they stand together.
Another small detail that struck me was how the narrative didn't quite portray Keira as being blind. At first, I felt uncertain whether she was blind or not, until I saw one of the words in quotation marks to indicate blindness. The scene with the fireflies at the end is particularly confusing, as it really feels like she's seeing it, which is technically impossible; if you've never seen anything, you can't possibly even "see", in quotes, the fireflies fly away. Had anyone told her about fireflies? Does she have just a vague idea of what they might look like? It felt like she wasn't always blind.
Which brings me to the assumption that the story was rushed. It is a fact blind characters are very hard to play, as it's difficult to put yourself in a blind person's shoes when you don't know how it's like to be blind yourself. However, it feels like the story was lacking a bit of consistency because of that small detail. This nitpicking just a little bit, but it's important to make sure your readers can understand what's happening. It can feel confusing or inconsistent if things aren't clearly established.

Overall, though, this little story was simple and touching, if a little too fast and bare-bones for new readers introduced to the characters.

Judge 2:
I liked this one the most of the three Kuhna RPs done right now. It was pretty short, but I found it really sweet, especially the fireflies thing. I'm a sucker for mushy stuff and I found this one really touching for this reason. The writing isn't really up to par with the other RPs, but I still loved this one. I think it has the most really well-done romance in it. If you are going to grant only one room, this would be my pick as of now.

Judge 3:
I'm a little torn in two about this entry. On the one hand, it sort of suffers from the same problem other RPs have where it tells us that the characters are in love, rather than showing it, thus making it difficult to really get into it and believe it. On the other hand, it gives a distinct reason for the characters wanting children and makes it a focal point of the RP, which means, hey, we actually get some insight into that process. The problem with that, though, is that it hints at a lot of backstory behind these characters that we're not given. I'm curious about this whole "freedom" aspect, but we don't get into it. So although I am sympathetic to these character's desires, I ultimately can't give a total vote in favor of the room due to missing information.

Verdict: No Room, but only just.


Entry #2: jobiehanna
Pan x Rhea

Judge 1:
I really loved this little story. It felt so fresh to read a story that includes elements of our real world, and that's not only about fairies and fantastic elements. While cliche and a little cheesy, I loved what Rhea told Pan about how she'd realized his life was so fragile after his accident. It's something everyone realizes when something like this happens, I'm fairly sure, and it's wonderful to see characters who reflect realistic situations you can relate to.

The story is well-paced, with the smaller scenes not too short, not too quick, but not too long, either. I especially liked the scene with the bridesmaids and the groomsmen. It was really amusing to have the girls congratulate the bride about her man, while the boys were just getting ready and messing around with each other.
Another thing that struck me was the amount of detail in the narrative. You rarely see descriptions this thorough, and it really felt like you were at a wedding. You could feel like a lot of thought (and perhaps even research) went into this story, and it really shows.

If only to be nitpicky, the narrative felt quick or chopped at times. A comma or two missing or comma splices. The two also sound a little bit too perfect to be realistic; but I admit there wasn't really anything to stir up an argument between the two. The last nitpicky thing I noticed was at the end, when Rhea mentioned opening a fishing business. It felt like a spur-of-the-moment decision coming from her, and I would've expected Pan to disagree (gently) to her proposition, at least for the time being.

I'm also curious as to what happened to that wheelchair, the one Pan excited the hospital in. It disappeared (unless I missed it)!

Judge 2:
Now this is VERY well-written. It's long, it has really good prose and it was easy for me to follow the plot even though I didn't know the characters from other RPs. The plot was well-done, too, but I kinda...didn't feel really attached to the characters. I can't pinpoint why, but the much shorter RP from NatureGirl touched me way more than this one, even though this is much better written. It also wasn't too wordy...I dunno, I just felt like some of the parts were redundant, even though there is no rambling in it. Like it has the wedding and there are the six bridesmaids and grooms woven into it as "special guest" characters, but this totally felt unneedy since they didn't do anything for the RP, but took up a good amount of writing? Which kinda totally got my attention away from the actual main characters and their romance. I'd still give this RP a room because of the sheer work that went into it, but you said being wordy wouldn't count for anything in the contest thread. Still, since I can't really give a reason why this didn't touch me even though everything was done right, I'd say it's just me and give jobie the room. D8

Judge 3:
This sort of has the same problem as the above, where, although we get a lot of lovey-dovey talk, there's not a lot here that ultimately confirms their love. Writing real love is more than a matter of just have characters say "I love you" a lot, after all; it's about showing us how they're compatible, what they have in common, and why they actually enhance each other's existence. This RP tries, but because most of those "love-building" moments get pushed into the background in favor of having them tell us that they love each other a lot. However. I think the central concept (girl's fiance gets hurt in an accident, forcing her to realize the frailty of life and thus realizing that she can't put their relationship on hold forever) is at its heart a solid idea, and, judging solely on the basis of ideas, I think it's one of the better ones so far. So, I say yes to a room.

Verdict: Gets a Room, because although the execution is a little lacking, the idea's pretty good in its heart.


Entry #3: ajforpresident
Kiyu x Cakey

Judge 1:
A sweet little story with an air of mystery. I like the different approach of a rather hot-headed, rude half matched with a clumsy, sweet Kuhna. A lot of the romance stories I read focus on the characters quite often getting along almost right away, and it's always nice to see something different.

I also really liked the mental dialogues. It's not something a lot of people do in their stories, and it's always nice to know what the characters are thinking, instead of getting a narrative explaining it.

One thing that struck me, however, was that Kiyu's behavior was really quick to change. He started out very upset and hot-headed, but then he started joking and actually smiling without really giving it a second thought. The end also felt a little cheesy for the kind of character he is. He did question his feelings a lot, and even to the end, he kept his authoritative/controlling character with Cakey.
The writing sometimes felt a little broken up because of missing commas, but far from being something major.

Judge 2:
Okay, the first thing I noticed in this one was the lack of any expressed desire to have children, which pretty much...disqualifies it already? Since I think I read that this was a requirement. The rest of it was...well, a bit of a weird read. The characters are acting rather strangely and over the top, which made for some good laughs, but I didn't really feel any romance here because of this either. It is by no means bad and rather funny, really, but I think it kinda missed the point of the contest, especially since the desire to have children isn't mentioned. Because of this, I'm leaning more towards 'no room' for this one. Though I feel bad, really, because there's obviously effort in this anyway. But all entries showed effort, so...

Judge 3:
There's sort of an interesting idea brought up here, regarding Evelon stuff: The idea of getting together for kits versus the idea of getting together for love. But, sadly, we don't get to linger on that for too long. The character dynamic here is interesting, with the overly-perky cutesy-girl and the grumpy guy with deep secrets--it's not uncommon, yes, but the characters actually act according to their personalities and are defined by those actions instead of the narration telling us what they're like. That's rarer than you'd think it would be; why, I just now read a book where... Uh, tangent, sorry. Point being, hey, characters with actuall characterization! But, unfortunately, the story just doesn't do it for me. Confessions of love are pretty common, and given that this is only the confession, it doesn't yet convince me that these kids are ready to take the next step. I want to see what they're like after being together for a while, and how it changes them (especially Kiyu, since he seems pretty odd and seems to believe himself undeserving of affection).

Verdict: No Room, because I don't feel like these characters are ready.


Entry #4: jackie125
Raibon x Karilu

Judge 1:
I liked the fresh plotline. Taking the story from the Evelon point of view, with an owner taking care of the pets and the pets going off into the wild to live as the animals they are: wild and free together.

However, the story is very lacking. Why do they act the way they do? Why do they want to escape; is Jackie abusive? Where did Raibon get those flowers? It felt like things were happening for the sake of giving the story a reason, instead of being something natural to the characters' lives. Everything is very sudden; the behavior, the decision to leave, the planning, the decision to have children, to have a tribe? In itself, the story is very interesting, but it is too bare-bones to be interesting or entrancing. Explanations for their decisions are lacking, which leaves the story with a lot of plotholes.

I cannot help but to mention the dialogue is very inconsistent. The story begins with the dialogue in the proper quotation marks, but as it goes on, the marks are dropped, and the dialogue is even stuck together, with no proper spaces after the periods. If the text wasn't allowed colors, the story would be extremely confusing, since you would start wondering just which character is suddenly talking.

The end is also flawed. It ends at a very strange moment. Did Jackie every send out a search party? It feels like the end could've tied loose ends better, instead of ending so abruptly.

Judge 2:
This is a "no-roomer" for me. It ends at a really weird time, like in the middle of something. It also suffers from really bad storytelling. I donn't get any idea of the personalities of the characters, not only because it's really short but also because there are no real descriptions, neither in dialogue nor otherwise. So I'm totally not touched by this at all. The desire for children is there, but I find no emotions in this whatsoever. I also don't think "We could be king and queen if we had children" is really...romantic. Sounds like they want to have children so they could be the servants of the couple. Very odd, that. So I wouldn't give this a room.

Judge 3:
Forbidden love is a fun thing to try and tackle, but it needs some backdrop. We need to really feel that there's a threat that's bearing down on our lovebirds that they absolutely must escape. Unfortunately, there's not really that here. It's hinted that the relationship between these two is indeed forbidden, but why? How? There's not a whole lot of context here, which makes it difficult to get into their story. We also don't get to see a whole lot of characterization from either one, furthering the difficulty. I do like the idea of a couple of domestic Kuhnas starting a new tribe ferally, but ultimately, I just feel that this entry is too short. It's hard to get a feel for anything. If it were longer, maybe, but as it stands now, it's rather bare-bones. Rushed to completion, maybe.

Verdict: No Room, because it's hard to get into.


Entry #5: Chayden
Chessurite x Eimke

Judge 1:
The concept of two sadistic lovers really tickles my fancy. You could say I have a small taste for black humor, but it's so very fresh to see this from that crazy, unusual angle.

The one problem I have is that the beginning is very confusing, and so is the story in general. There's no real description of the two characters, and it feels very unclear how the story unfolds, and why it unfolds this way. I might be the one who's missed symbolism or very obvious statements, but I always thought, 'What, exactly, is happening between these two characters?' Because of that detail, the story was a little difficult to follow. Very little is known about either character, which might have been intended, but as a new reader, I mostly felt confused as to what was going on.

The writing, the characters, the concept, the dialogue: it's all very good and extremely interesting. The confusion of the story, however, makes it very hard to enjoy it for what it's supposed to be.

Judge 2:
Now this one is just O____O. For real. It has torture and raep done to a ten-year-old. I know you can't raep the willing, but still, this is...uuuuh. I suppose I should say it's very well done since it moved me a lot (as in, I'm very grossed out)...so Chayden probably deserves a room for this. There is no desire for children expressed, though. Which is...probably for the better, because poor ten-year-old girls shouldn't get children. But...but...you knoooow.
This is...just freaking me out. I don't know how to judge this properly. It certainly is very touching and emotionally moving and I know the contest is about unconventional love as well, but still... sex and torture done to children... DDDDDD8

Judge 3:
As an RP, it's not bad at all. It does go a little quickly, but it does what it sets out to do fairly competently. The problem, though, is that it's too competent. This is a seriously messed up relationship it's portraying. I don't want them to have children; I want to swoop in, rescue this poor girl, take her to a domestic abuse shelter, and give her years of therapy! And while the RP does a good job of conveying those twisted, messed-up emotions, if it's meant to convince me that these two should be together forever, it has the exact opposite effect. This is a twisted, twisted pair, the ending (to me) comes across as far from happy, and I can't help but dwell on the fact that he raised her in a kind of creepy fashion. If this were presented as a horror story, I'd probably give it high marks, but as a romance, my response is "Ohmygod that poor girl. ;_;" Props for really weirding me out, and I think that was part of the point (I imagine it was supposed to be unsettling), but that's precisely why I can't give this a room. If this contest is about "deserving" couples... Yeah.

Verdict: No Room--it's a good story, but as far as room applications go, I am not swayed.


Entry #6: Chayden
Endivine x Salome

Judge 1:
This is yet another very fresh take on a love story. The meeting, the admiration Endivine feels for Salome, the quiet, very slow feel of the RP; it is all very well-done. The sweet, calm, quiet feel of the RP doesn't translate into a slow pace dragging the story along. It feels natural for the two characters to act in such a way, and you feel entranced when the two get together. You feel as if the characters couldn't possibly act in a different way.

Which brings me to the one flaw, in my eyes: Salome's development was too fast. She goes from extremely placid and apathetic to suddenly laughing and showering Endivine with kisses. This might feel normal because of the adrenaline from falling from the ferris wheel, but it still felt too out-there to feel natural, for Salome. The story always mentions that she is empty, without emotions, and that the few she displays are emotions she feigns. It felt like the end was rushed with Salome's quick change of emotional behavior.

One nitpicky thing I noticed was the vocabulary. It sometimes felt like the two Kuhnas were in human form, and then not, and then in human form again. This is nitpicky, to an extent, because it depends on the connotation of the words you use. 'Boy' doesn't refer to a male animal to me. The vocabulary sometimes felt more human than animal, which was enough to make me wonder if I'd missed a shape-shifting scene.

Judge 2:
Compared to Chayden's other entry, this one is tame, but it's also very weird. As in, someone watches a singer kept in a cage, then all of sudden the singer may leave, they sit in a cafe and immediately the singer falls in love, then they're on a ferris wheel and it collapses but neither gets hurt even though they were on the top. I mean...what? This was already too hard to believe and then the collapsing ferris wheel. I found that rather funny because this was so over the top, haha. XD; There also is no desire for children, which is understandable since the couple just met. Still it feels it defies the point of the contest. I wouldn't give a room for this one and rather see Chayden with a room for the other RP...but...I also don't want little girls to bear children. DDDD8 Chayden definitely deserves a room, though. Her writing is good, she wrote two RPs in a single day and yeah. Give Chayden a room. I just can't really say which RP I'd prefer with one. Probably this one here, even though it's hard to believe, but it's less creepy than the other one.

Judge 3:
Cute. Although I definitely feel as if I'm missing something here--backstory, probably, about how this Kuhna came to see the circus, and the two seem familiar with each other, but... they're not? Admittedly, I'm not too sure what's going on here beyond the whole circus/fair thing. And yes, it does get kind of cheesy-cute near the end. But overall, I gotta say, I like it. And as with the other entries, I could see this leading to... things. Hint hint nudge nudge wink wink. I could certainly imagine the progressing leading up to... that point. Nudge nudge say no more say no more. So, yes--it is indeed very cute. Maybe a little too cute for my tastes, but, ultimately, I think it generally works. So I could give it a room.

Verdict: Room, because, hey, it's generally pretty good.

--- * ---

Entry #1: NatureGirl
Keira x Maikel
Final Vote: 1.55/3
Congratulations. May your wish be granted to Kuhna Contest Room 1.

Entry #2: jobiehanna
Pan x Rhea
Final Vote: 2.25/3
Congratulations. May your wish be granted to Kuhna Contest Room 2.

Entry #3: ajforpresident
Kiyu x Cakey
Final Vote: 1.40/3

Entry #4: jackie125
Raibon x Karilu
Final Vote: 0.50/3

Entry #5: Chayden
Chessurite x Eimke
Final Vote: 0.80/3

Entry #6: Chayden
Endivine x Salome
Final Vote: 2.50/3
Congratulations. May your wish be granted to Kuhna Contest Room 3.


.: Lucain Entries :.


Entry #1: MillietheWarrior x Flame
Shades x Sam

Judge 1:
I feel like the bond between Sam and Shades here is very strong. I know that I cannot possibly understand what it would feel like to lose a brother like Shades has, but the fact that he was willing to put that loss out of his mind for Sam was touching. They must truly mean a lot to each other. If their dialog means anything, it's that they're absolutely devoted to each other. They will stay together until one of them dies, undoubtedly... But I just don't see how a child would be appropriate, in their situation. The two of them are such busy characters that the child would end up neglected no matter how hard they tried to keep that from happening. Sam and Shades would not be able to give their family the "better life" that all parents strive to give their children.

Judge 2:
First, I have to be honest here: I didn't read the whole thing thoroughly. For one thing, it's incredibly long, and I don't really have the time. For the other, the length of each post makes the events very hard to follow, because things happen back and forth in response to paragraphs instead of posts so it gets chronologically weird and arg.

But in terms of characters, I'm not gonna be a sourpuss (for once :P) and say that I actually think these characters are deserving of a room. Their dynamic is very interesting, in that "deeply romantic friendship" way, and I can actually get a feel for that relationship and how it might progress. I can actually see things... happening, as it were, which could lead to kids, even if accidentally. Although it ends very abruptly--in that "Instant Character Development Just Add Author" kind of way. Still, what I could gather of the characters works for me.

Verdict: YES to a Room, but as an RP, the extreme length and references to outside events excluded me.

Judge 3:
This was... a long read. It's very wordy and I mean VERY, but I'm guilty of that, too. I didn't really get each and every fact in here because this is obviously part of some plot, but it was still good enough. It was just...the plot part. The first part of the RP seems almost redundant and just there for some plot reason while only the second part (when the date starts) is what really seems to count towards the contest. Also, I might just have overlooked it because SO MANY WORDS, but I couldn't find the children-desire in there anywhere. Still, what's there is extremely well done and wow, I don't want to imagine how long it took to write this. I didn't really feel for the characters because I couldn't really understand how they tick thanks to the plot they are part of being unknown to me, but the romance was well-developed, as were the characters. I would grant the room for WORDS. I'm not overly thrilled by the whole thing, but the effort which went into this is insane and I feel that should be rewarded. It's not Millie's and Flame's fault I don't read all of their RPs to be up to date with their plot.
Still, if effort and WORDS don't count...well, yah. No children-desire there and I think I remember that people who have done a lot of breedings are judged harsh, so...I'm not sure which stuff is really important for you there. I'm kinda meh about the whole RP, but that could also be because it really tested my English and was therefore difficult for me to understand. If children-desire is extremely important and I haven't overlooked it and it's really missing, this might disqualify the RP? I dunno. I rambled long enough, so to end this: I'd give the room for effort, good prose and hard work. Nothing else really, though...


Entry #2: ToxicShadow x Mojave
Zelosis x Greymalkin

Judge #1:
This entry was a bit tedious for me to read. It's progression seemed natural and realistic, though, with a believable amount of the distress that comes with meeting someone who had been precious to you, once upon a time. The revelation at the end actually did make me happy, too; I was relieved to find that they had been able to communicate their true feelings to each other. c:

-Finally, do you think the entrants deserve a room?;
Yes, I do. Greymalkin expressed the desire to have a family with Zelosis; with their children already fully independent, that family mentality would feel botched, y'know? As if their daughter would only stay in contact with Grey and Zelos to keep them from feeling lonely. Without the new children a breeding would give them, it would be a good relationship, but not quite a family.

Judge #2:
As a story of these two characters--Grey and Zelos--it's cute. Darn cute, even. For the love story aspect, I quite like it. Although the lovers spend some time away from each other for a while, it does a good job of making their feelings for one another clear without miring itself in "I-Love-You-No-I-Love-You-More" schmoopiness. ...OK, it does get a little heavy-handed at times, but I can forgive that since I'm grading these RPs solely on plotting, and not things like conventions or voice. As a story of reconcilliation, I think it's quite good (from a plot perspective).

But when it comes to giving these two a breeding room, I am held back by one very specific thought: They've already bred. They have children, and those children seem to be important from a plot perspective. The implication in the story seems to be that they, in the future, will be doing more with the children they already have, so it doesn't seem to me that they need more. Plus, from a meta perspective, these are two people who have bred a lot, and the goal of the contest was stated as giving rooms out to more people who haven't had a chance. If the story were more convincing, I'd probably be more lenient, but the fact that it just doesn't do it for me when it comes to kids doesn't help.

Verdict: No Room when it comes to kids, but as a story, I like it.

Judge 3:
I really like this one. It gets a bit rushed towards the end thanks to the fact it had to be finished quickly, which was a bit of a letdown after the great beginning, but I still feel this deserves a room. I really liked the characters and how much they cared for each other even after being separated for so long and how they did so much for each other. And then they ran into each other and hee hee~ I love silly romance stuff like that. <3 It was really cute. Too bad about the rushed ending, but I was rooting for the characters soooo much~ It's also really well-written without being too wordy. In fact, this is the RP I like the most out of all I've judged. There is no children-desire, but as the couple already has children, I suppose it's okay in this case. Yes, I feel this one deserves a room for sure~

--- * ---

Entry #1: MillietheWarrior x Flame
Shades x Sam
Final Vote: 1.55/3
Congratulations. May your wish be granted to Lucain Contest Room 1.

Entry #2: ToxicShadow x Mojave
Zelosis x Greymalkin
Final Vote: 1.55/3
Congratulations. May your wish be granted to Lucain Contest Room 2.


.: Paragon Entries :.


Entry #1: FireHeart
Ekal x Aila

Judge 1:
I feel like this entry tries to focus too much on all the background and peripheral characters revolving around these two characters, instead of simply them. It spends a lot of time expounding on the people surrounding them, without telling me anything about who they are and why they're important. It's hard to get a handle on their story. I can tell it's in there, but it gets lost in the haze of just having a whole bunch of characters. I know Fire's Pantheon characters are super-important to her, so I hate to criticize on that. But this seems to be more focused on building a world than on building their relationship. As worldbuilding, it's not bad. I do like the cute little references to the character's past. Although it takes a while to get there, it does, eventually, convince me that these two have feelings for one another. But I think it spends a bit too much time showing them being in love, without showing them just... being together, without having to be all about the love.

Although I did like the reference to their first children--I'm not sure I can say it convinced me that these two deserve a room. I do believe that these two are in love, or meant to be so, but I don't truly feel it. If the story focused just on these two being themselves--not even necessarily saying "I love you," just so I could zero in on their chemistry--maybe. But I think there's too much here at present that's not connected to them thast's stuck in here.

Ultimate Vote: No Room, due to it being difficult to focus on the relationship between the two characters.

Judge 2:
This one was good, too! Aila and Ekal's banter was adorable~ They were able to be casual without being too casual, if you know what I mean. As in, their chatting may have been nonchalant, but it wasn't like apathy; it was more of a relaxed show of affection. They were able to speak without being overcome with lust [as some characters seem apt to do xD] or avoiding physical contact. It was a happy medium that showed their connection well, and reminded me of the cutest couple I know in real life [who are Reema and Martin, though that's irrelevant].
I'd say that FireHeart deserves a room, as well. I'd love to see the hole in Aila's heart; it seems that the loss of her children affected her, though the pain may have dulled some over the years, what with the brevity they moved onto the next topic of conversation with.

Judge 3:
I love it when people develop their own plots. You get to see people's creations, and you can see just how creative people can get. This RP is no exception; the characters are all planned, all set, all developed; the world gets the same treatment, and there are countless original elements to it.

The sad thing is that those elements backfired. The RP had a strange pace between slow and fast, but it was mostly too fast. There aren't many descriptions or narrations, and it's mostly dialogue. The dialogue itself focuses too much on the plot than on the actual characters involved in the RP. At first, I felt like the relationship was more of Aila almost controlling or manipulating Ekal, with the way she spoke about past things — plot things we're not introduced to — and how she held his chain. Afterwards, the dialogue turned into chatter, a bit like two gossiping teenagers. Things were revealed quickly and only for a short amount of time: the Pantheon, the lost children, the Shadow wings. What is the Pantheon? What about the Shadows mentioned later on? I was really touched by the talk about the lost children, but I felt like it was taken way too lightly.

I don't want to nitpick, but all I can say is that the RP was too unbelievable for me. I didn't feel connected to the characters, and I didn't get the feeling that they were connected to each other. They felt more like very good friends rather than to-be-weds. The RP was completely centered on plot events that we're not introduced to at all, as well as plot elements that are never explained. The RP lacks convincing descriptions, but it's far from being bad when it comes to writing. The storytelling, however, is lacking, leaving new readers completely baffled as to what is going on, and who the characters are.


Entry #2: Shieba
Ailys x Hina

Judge 1:
The beginning to this story is very strong, and it pulled me in immediately. It's quite intriguing, and it gets me very interested in the characters. And it's because of that that, while I really like their story and characters, I can't see them having children. Partially because, in the way they and especially Ailys are established, it doesn't seem to fit with their "mechanics," so to speak. For the one thing, the way their relationship is shaping up seems to be a bit... emotionally manipulative. Which is really interesting; downright fascinating, even. Hina has to be hurting to help Ailys. It's an interesting concept, but from a character standpoint, I don't know if I'd want children growing up around that and thinking it's normal. Of course, that's overthinking fictional characters, so what about the rest? Well, since Ailys appears to be... not entirely biological? ...Even with the wonders of the Lovey-Love Potion, I'm not sure how it would "work." Does she even have functioning reproductive organs? If she's the "mother," could her body handle it? If she's the "father," would the potion even take? But finally, the ultimate thing is: I buy that these two have a deep friendship, but I'm not sure I can call it love. Probably because she skips over a lot of their building of friendship, their talking and tale-swapping, and glosses over a lot of it. We great a great meeting scene with them coming to talk to one another and Hina helping Ailys, but we miss everything else. True love (in the sense of conveying it well) needs more than that moment of initial meeting to really resonate. It needs to be the little moments. This RP would have been better without the confrontation near the end, and instead, just focused on Ailys and Hina's time together during Ailys' recovery.

Ultimate Vote: No Room, because although I like their friendship, I don't feel real "love" here yet, and some mechanical issues with the characters as presented.

Judge 2:
I actually liked this one quite a bit. The idea of Ailys being a Halfing was very well balanced indeed; without the weaknesses that the un-mendable bones and weak heart present, she may have seemed like a character with too much power. That, along with her modestly low self confidence, made her a very believable character indeed. I also enjoyed the fact that Ailys tried to escape in order to stem the growth of love between her and Hina, although that was probably more out of fear of the tribes' wrath.
I think that this entry deserves a room, yes. The desire for a child was definitely there, and I'd definitely be interested to see what Shieba's quarter demons are like. c:

Judge 3:
I'm not really the type to get so emotionally-involved in an RP, or just a story. It's different for everyone, but there are things that just pull your heartstrings like a marionette, and that's exactly what this entry accomplished. I couldn't read it in one sitting, and every time I had a few minutes to get bored, I would think about the story, and I would wonder about the rest of it.

Even though this is, by far, the best entry I have read, just a few things bothered me. The story unfolded well, though some of the elements were cheesy and cliche. I won't nitpick at the fact it's a bit of an 'angel loves (half-)demon' story, since execution is what matters in a plot. It was a bit disappointing whenever Ailys tried to get away, but it was somewhat predictable that she wouldn't succeed. It just makes you wonder: isn't just chance that it all turned out right? And speaking of things going right, the last arc of the story (being introduced to the tribe) felt too perfect. Ailys was always portrayed as a monster, and I didn't feel like the last arc portrayed that. I would've liked to see more drama from that, I would've liked for their love to really shine there; but that's a bit ironic, since that would've been pretty cheesy and cliche too!

Still, those were only nitpicks, and never did they make me feel like not giving this entry a room. I want to see these two continue together, and if they get that room, I want to read that room and follow their story. Not perfect in any stretch of the mind, as per everything, but I personally fell in love with this story.

~~*~~

Entry #1: FireHeart
Ekal x Aila
Final Vote: 1.25/3

Entry #2: Shieba
Ailys x Hina
Final Vote: 2.70/3
Congratulations. May your wish be granted to Paragon Contest Room 1.
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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby Moofius » 04/03/2011 6:44 PM

Congrats to all the winners! ^O^
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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby ajforpresident » 04/04/2011 10:36 AM

Congratulations to all the winners in the contests! I know I competed, but I just wanted to say good job to all the other people who competed in the same division as me. :3

Also, are these rps going to be available to look back on? Just wondering since I think mine could've been better and to have that feedback really helped. :) Plus, I was hoping that I could re-do and re-use it for when I do manage to get a breeding room.
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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby Omnisearch » 04/04/2011 8:55 PM

Actually, yes. We should move these to wherever people want them to be moved, or... I guess the 'DONE' entries can get their own graveyard subforum (within the visible one, that is).






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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby Shieba » 04/04/2011 9:10 PM

I wouldn't mind either way, but I'd still need to know if we would get the bonuses if the entries get moved to official RP sections. If you decide to move them there, mine goes to the Sa'fir Coast~



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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby Chayden » 04/04/2011 9:14 PM

Um. Weeelll...~
I imagined that the Chessurite x Eimke was in the Slums, and that the Salome x Endivine one goes in Lamenolai~
If you're moving the unfinished ones, too, then feel free to move mine to the Sekudui Farmlands. :3
/not opposed to a graveyard though.
Just do whichever is easier, bby~ <3
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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby jobiehanna » 04/06/2011 8:15 PM

Wow guys, your criticism and praises mean a lot to me. :) I understand where most of your comments are coming from, and the groomsmen and bridesmaids are meant to be a bigger part of their lives further down the road, I just haven't written that out yet. :P And, for judge 1, I totally forgot about the wheelchair. XD

Thanks for the room, and congrats to all. :D

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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby MillietheWarrior » 04/07/2011 2:26 AM

You can move ours to Nabias. ^^

I love adventurous tales like that. That uplifting feeling that comes from seeing unknown lands and the knowledge that you came across—nothing can replace it! It opens a path from which self-confidence, experience, and important friendships—from the sharing of life or death situations—are born! But hearing it just isn’t the same. I want to create my own magnificent story!



A great adventure!


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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby Kodai » 04/07/2011 12:06 PM

Okay, just posting to say who's been moved:
Shieba - Sa'fir
Chayden - Slums, Lamenolai, Sekudui
Millie - all three to Nabias (if you didn't mean all three, just post what goes where and I'll fix it)

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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby MillietheWarrior » 04/07/2011 1:56 PM

Yep all three. ^^

I love adventurous tales like that. That uplifting feeling that comes from seeing unknown lands and the knowledge that you came across—nothing can replace it! It opens a path from which self-confidence, experience, and important friendships—from the sharing of life or death situations—are born! But hearing it just isn’t the same. I want to create my own magnificent story!



A great adventure!


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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby jobiehanna » 04/07/2011 7:02 PM

I guess you could move mine to Terrace park. It kinda takes place in several places, but that's where it started.

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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby kabuto_rocks » 04/26/2011 6:06 AM

Sorry about my delayed reply, I didn't realize they needed moving ^_^; Erm, could you move mine to Town of Nabias please? I intend to finish it properly someday
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Re: [* Contest #16: Judging

Postby Kodai » 04/27/2011 12:45 PM

The following RPs have been moved, as they explicitly indicated a setting:

ajforpresident - Idalani
NatureGirl - Idalani
Zein/Toxic - Aldrect

jackie125's and Atoli01's RPs are the only two that still require a location to be moved to.

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